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farewell to a good man...

2010-09-01T03:25:00.006+08:00

I guess it is right to say that we have all been stepping out of our comfort zone the second we left our mother's womb. Seeing my uncle on his death bed a few days ago reminded me that I will be making another step out of my comfort zone. The thought that it could be my father someday frightens me very much. While I have issues with my parents, I cannot deny that they are a stabilizing influence in my life. The base that I depend on as I take my turn to step into the real world. But now I have to accept the fact that someday they will not be around to give me guidance. I might be on the steps of the age of 30, however I still feel that I am naive to what the world holds. My uncle's passing last Saturday makes him my second uncle to succumb to cancer in less than three years. It is ironic that he represented my parents on my Engagement Day as he led my family's party to my fiance's home. At the time he looked healthy and I did not know he was ill recently until my dad informed that he was hospitalized around last week.
By the time I saw him in ICU last Friday, my uncle was already in a bad state. My cousins and their husbands were understandably sad, their eyes already swollen after crying so much. My cousin explained to me about her father's condition calmly but I know she is struggling inside. The doctor had said that there was not much hope him as his cancer was already at an advanced stage. My aunt also looked calm but she soon broke into tears when she stood beside her dying husband's bed after we broke fast. The relative silence of the ward and seeing my uncle dying also moved me to tears eventually as I looked at him through the glass door of his room. I decided to recite a doa for him when I stood beside his bed. It is sad to see a dying person especially if he is your flesh and blood. My uncle had been close to my family as my late grandmother took him in as a step son, so my mum considers him to be her younger brother. I like my uncle because of his easy going character and a good father to his children, all of whom are happily married. But at the end of it, the question of whether I am able to face the situation if it was my own father on the deathbed remains to be answered. It is a frightening thought because it truly means I have to face the world on my own. My wedding day will surely miss his presence. We will miss you, Wak Noor.

the myth of ubersoldat...

2010-08-11T03:37:00.009+08:00

I had been struggling for quite sometime on how I am going to write to this entry. In one of my favorite movies, We Were Soldiers, a character named Jake Galloway said "I don't know how to write this story" He could not have said it any better because I know how he feels. I believe I have wrote about how I came up with the name "ubersoldat" in an earlier blog entry, but that is only part of the story. In fact it is just a small fraction of it. While my inner circle of close friends and fiance have managed to figure out the enigma that is their best friend and future husband, I am indeed a complex character that I am myself struggling to find out who I truly am. Certainly the Army can have all the credit for creating the man that is writing this blog.
Since I have stepped into the unforgiving world of adulthood, I have had to deal with one challenge after another. It has become a sort of saga like the ones you see on a TV series. Earlier in my adulthood, when all seems to be too overwhelming, I can just cry it off. Afterward, I would carry on with my life. When I learned that alcohol and smoking can provide a better moment of respite, I resorted to it. That of course grew old and now I have my fiance to give me the emotional support that I need, although I still smoke heavily. Unfortunately crying just does not help anymore. Maybe when I watch a movie that I can relate to, I cry because I know how the movie character feels. More often than not he is a soldier or a hero.
There is a reason why am I writing all these blogs. It is because it is my outlet to express my thoughts and feelings. A few months ago, while researching on Wikipedia about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I came across a paper written by a psychiatrist about Post Traumatic Embitterment Disorder (PTED). I always thought I had trouble adjusting to civilian life because I have PTSD. But suddenly I realized that I might have PTED because the effects described by the study was similar to what I am experiencing. Maybe I am just jumping onto conclusion but I am really feeling depressed at the moment. Being engaged and preparing for marriage has caused some old family wounds to open and with it the Pandora's box itself. My strained relationship with my parents and elder sister has forced me to rethink about myself. More importantly, the myth of ubersoldat. The challenges I face at work also serves to add to the stress I am feeling at the moment. As I am writing this blog, I am waiting for myself to cry because I really cannot take it anymore. I am just too damn tired of trying to revert back to the fighting spirit that the Army has trained into me. All the stress I have faced since leaving the Army could never be cast aside by just using the never say die attitude that I bring back.
The problems I have faced have just made me more bitter, thinning any faith I have in this world and the people. The Camelot that I thought the civilian world was when I became ORD was nothing more than a cutthroat place. Five years into being a civilian and I have yet to meet an exemplary leader that I met a plenty in the Army. I utterly have no respect for the superiors I work with at the moment. They are merely idiots who just make my blood boil. My countrymen regard my service to the nation as nothing as I struggle to revert to being a civilian once again. Their ungratefulness just makes me wish I had deserted. The basic unit of society that is the family is to me just a broken family who looks like its fine. I would have to accept the fate of being a bachelor until I die if I had not met Farhanah, as none of the women that once mattered to me want me to be a part of their future. In fact one of them had the honor of undoing the hard work I had put in to overcome my emotional crisis. The stubbornness and fighting spirit that allows me to grind on with life is reaching it zenith. So really why am I so bitter? Maybe I am crazy. Is that why I created the myth of ubersoldat? Could it be I will forever see myself as a soldier? Maybe the idea or vision of ubersoldat that I have created for myself is nothing but a myth and at the end of the day I am Najib, nothing more, nothing less.

My Engagement...

2010-07-14T23:15:00.003+08:00

For once the team I supported in the world cup finals won, even if it is not my beloved Italy. At least I could taste the feeling of victory. Once in a while it is nice to scream at the top of my lungs to cheer a winning goal and the eventual match win. When I saw the tears of joy on the Spanish players, I knew how they felt. I am quite sure the journey they took is playing through their minds as they realize that the blood, sweat and tears finally paid off. I felt that too when I was rehearsing for my ASLC graduation a few years ago. For me it was literally blood, sweat, tears and agony, as only Allah knows the hell I went through.

When I was younger I always imagined the day I got married, from saying my matrimonial vows as I shook the Tok Kadi's hand and eventually to kissing my new bride's forehead to make the occasion unforgettable. Of course, my life did not turn out the way I thought I would but when I got engaged on the fifth of June; I realized I had taken a big step into the next phase in my life. My fiance had earlier remarked about my lack of enthusiasm. What she did not know was, I already felt like my life has started to follow the path that I wanted when I met her two years ago. All things considered, finding one's life partner is not as simple as looking for a girlfriend. That is because you will realize that everything is falling into place only when you finally find that someone. Before I met my fiance, I realize how daunting the task was to find my ideal partner because I firmly believed that it was up to the Almighty to determine our jodoh. And I was very worried that he would make me wait and indeed He did because I did at one point decide to let my parents match-make. Thankfully, I did not end up with the girl that my parents wanted me to match-make with. She was a nice girl but too nice for someone like me, which made me wonder if my parents are oblivious to some of the things I did.

Before Farhanah came into my life, I really did wanted to resign myself to the fact that I was still way off from finding my future wife. But she did prove to me that there is something good to hope for in life. Indeed she was crucial to me to when I lost my job a year ago, for without her I would have fallen into despair. On that note, I learn the value of support that our significant other lent. It was invaluable and vital as I continue to integrate myself into civilian life. I know it is five years on since I left the army but the journey continues. Sometimes I wonder what it would be life be without my fiance. Her calming influence, unwavering support and undying love are probably the things in life which I cannot live without nowadays. I am so happy that she is in my life and always grateful to Allah for letting me meet her. I am so happy that it is a quiet joy that resonates the sense of gratefulness in my heart. I could never and would never ask for someone better than her because she is truly someone I want to spent my life with. Happy Engagement Day, Sayang! I'm sorry I took so long to type these words.

the outsider...

2010-02-10T02:36:00.003+08:00

We all seek to find out how we become the person that we are probably from the time we are able to think for ourselves. That is when we find out that we are uniquely different individuals even though we share the same things like our family name, religion or race. Personally I have been on that journey since I realize that I have always been the 'outsider' in practically every situation I have been in. Again I would like to say that I am glad that I have Farhanah in my life because our relationship is perhaps the only situation in my life where I do not feel like I am an 'outsider'. We need each other and know each other very well, hence I do not feel like a loner. Although I have always maintained my rhetoric over not caring about being a part of a team, group, or clique, it does bother me when I am not a part of a group. I have been quietly keeping to myself about not feeling like a part of my family. My girlfriend's request to see one of my baby photos made me realized that I am probably an afterthought in my family, I believe that is so because I was born seven years after my sister. I am not blind to the fact that much love has been showered upon my sister and together with that she is burdened with high expectations. In spite of the fact that I did score better for my GCE 'O' levels, she did much better in primary school and secondary school. She had a better GPA in Polytechnic and even got a Degree, so she claimed. But the feeling that I am an afterthought is reinforced when I do not see my growth as a baby being documented with photos like what my parents did for my sister. In addition, the number of family or baby photos that I had were pale in comparison to her's. Even nowadays when the dispute over giving my parents money is brought forward, my father would reason to me that she already has a family, so it is quite alright if she did not give them any money. Of course people who know me well enough would expect that I think that is just a plain load of crap. I am grateful to my parents for imbuing me with a strong set of values but somehow I feel like I have been short changed by them because considering their age and state of health, I am the one who has to take care of them. While I understand I am the man in the family after my father, I believe it is a shared responsibility to take care of my parents. I really appreciate if she would take it a little more seriously. So I guess if its difficult for me to feel like I am a part of my OWN family, it might translate to difficulty being part of other groups. Honestly, I do not feel any true closeness to my parents like I did with the family that used to take care of me when I was a toddler. I consider them my god-family, Pak Yusof, his wife, Mak Minah and their children, Abang Mohsin and Kak Shidah. I really miss them and I felt really sad when my god-mother died when I was in secondary school. Sometimes I wonder if my fear of abandonment was because I lost her. Maybe I am being emotional because I am struggling to lead my life as an adult. While things have turned out for the better in my life, sometimes I wish I do not have these issues within myself to struggle with.

the answers...

2010-01-25T04:52:00.004+08:00

In the past few months, my girlfriend and I had got into some arguments that basically revolved around my temperament and how we would fit into each others' lives when we eventually tied the knot. The arguments sometime got bitter but somehow we managed to reconcile because we could to look beyond our personal pride and egos, and focus on what was most important, our relationship. Usually it is my girlfriend that manages to defuse herself before I do. I have to give her credit for that because none of my ex-girlfriends would do that. An senior acquaintance once told me that he was more worried about what would become of me, when I told him about my girlfriend. What he was referring to was my character and the emotional baggage that I was carrying. Although he did not explicitly mentioned them, I already knew what he was talking about. However, some my best friends think that his opinion does not have any merit due to the simple fact that he hardly knows me. Still it did made me reflect on my character. I honestly believe that horoscopes are just pure coincidence, thus cannot explain the character of a person just because he/she is born at a certain time of year. Essentially everyone is unique and different. Even if I display the characteristics of 'libran'; I am still a unique entity. That means I am still some distance away from truly finding out who I am. What I do know about myself is that I am always in search of answers. Reasons and justifications behind every rule or decision. Today I realized that people will give you an answer most of the time if asked but ultimately it is for you to decide if you can accept what you are told. My best friends and girlfriend had been upfront about why they do not understand me. Their answer was simply that there were not there when I was sent halfway to hell by the Army. I took a long time to accept such an answer but ultimately I did find some peace when I tried to put myself in their shoes. Indeed I am a complex person with simple needs. A person who will continue to seek the truth until he is fully satisfied with the answers. A person who wishes that the world was a more perfect place. A person who wishes that he had a true leader that was alive to emulate. A person who is afraid that he will fail the people he cares for the most and ultimately his own self. A person who is afraid that he will fail Allah and the only leader that he truly respects, Muhammad. You know sometimes I wish I was simple as one of my best friends, Tarmizi. I admire his simplicity of character and that brings strength to his being. However, at the end of the day, I am still Najib.

there is no false in hope...

2009-11-21T02:10:00.004+08:00

I always find it ironic that I somehow cannot find the words to write my blog when things turn out for the better in my life. Like when I finally found Farhanah, there is an indescribable feeling that I get when I achieve an objective in life. The feeling is a combination of a sense of achievement, intense relief, peacefulness and gratefulness to the Almighty Allah and everyone who in one way or another supported and helped me in the difficult months that I was unemployed. I assume that is what most people feel when they finally achieve something that they had long worked for, The case for me right now is that I have been struggling to find the write words so I can tell the world that I actually found a job that I want. I actually withheld writing it on my blog because I did not want to jinx it as at that time I have yet to sign the letter of appointment. Just in case the company that wanted to hire me had second thoughts. Since then it has almost been three weeks since I was called up for the interview followed by a totally unexpected phone job offer the very next day and starting work at my new job more than a week later. The day when the HR Manager called me to inform that I was selected for the position I had applied for, is still very fresh in my mind. I just could not contain my happiness. The minute I ended the call I ran back to my office from a smoking area (my temporary job at a government agency), throwing aside my half smoked cigarette and I yelled "Baik Ah! Aku dah dapat kerja!" almost to the top of my lungs. I had to stifle the urge to scream because I was just so elated. In fact I was shaking when I got back to my office because I was still in disbelief. I certainly did not hesitate to inform my colleagues about the job offer at the same time I also called my girlfriend to tell about it. She was also in disbelief and cried because she was so relieved that I finally got a job. Frankly, I really wanted to cry too because I just could not believe my luck. I really did not expect that my efforts would finally pay off considering that I actually posted my job application for the position two days after the closing date. In spite of the fact that the interview turned out better than I had expected, I did not want to put too much hope into it for the simple reason I did not want to disappoint myself if I was not shortlisted. Still, I am just glad things finally turn out for the better. Considering I was actually out of job for almost eight months, there was plenty of time to do soul searching and put my life into perspective. There were certainly some tearful moments when I did my daily prayers because somehow the Almighty needs to know that I have done what I could and it was for him to decide the outcome. Certainly there were issues within me that needs to be settled and during this time I was glad that I could improve my ties with my blood brothers. In actual fact, a lot of people were eager to give a helping hand in one way or another. One of my best friends, Izkandar, actually allowed me to use his printer to make untold copies of my resumes and certificates. My parents who are tight financially actually chipped in so that I could tide over the last few months. My mom even offer to pay for my Specialist Diploma Course if that could improve my chances of getting a job, My girlfriend, Siti Farhanah, for being so patient and offering her unfailing support in more ways than one. Honestly sometimes during the past few months when I am feeling depressed, that feeling is being tampered by a overwhelming sense of gratefulness for having so many people pushing me from behind. While all these words sound like an award receiving speech but really a lot of people deserve to be credited. Many people have said that sometimes I am too stubborn to ask for help and the Almighty just showed me that this soldier does need help. He also showed me that I do have a place in the civilian world and most importantly that there is truly no false in hope like President Obama once said. Now is the moment I focus on a hopefully more fulfilling career at Denka Singapore Pte Ltd as a Senior Process Technician and people that I care about like my girlfriend, Siti Farhanah.

happy 27th birthday Najib...

2009-10-18T00:23:00.003+08:00

My girlfriend went out of her way to get the Crumpler bag I wanted to buy quite a while ago. I hesitated buying it when I saw the first time as it was a little too expensive. I did eventually decide buying it but by the time I returned to the shop, the design was already out of stock. I ended up buying a different design, but at least they had the bag in my favorite color, which is green. In fact it was out of stock for all the Crumpler Stores in Singapore. Why was I so crazy about it? It had a camo print design. My girlfriend knew very well that I was crazy about things that were in olive green or basically green and green camo or more accurately jungle camo. So when I got the bag as a present for my birthday, I just could not contain my disbelieve. I kept asking her how she got it. She told me later that she got it online. I also would like to add it was brilliant of her to throw me off by telling me earlier that she wanted to get a belt for me, so I had been expecting that from her.In addition to the bag she even threw in a lanyard for my handphone, which of course has jungle camo patterns. Farhanah also treated me to a Sakura Restaurant buffet and also a session of karaoke. Honestly I am running out of expletives to describe how wonderful it is to have someone like her. The fact that she really went out of her way to get the bag for me can only speak volumes about the effort she puts into our relationship and how much she loves me. I am actually more glad to have her around because she has always been supportive in my continuing search for a stable job. A lady who knows how much this soldier identifies with the Army and its colours certainly deserves my unconditional love. Sometimes I am even surprised that she can sense that I am getting emotional everytime I watch a war movie. I am truly grateful that I have Farhanah to celebrate my birthday. Although I am not too thrilled my birthday nowadays, having her around makes the day special and unforgettable. I love You, CuteGirl...

my almost penniless Aidilfitri...

2009-09-19T19:51:00.002+08:00

With my bank balance reaching the dreaded zero, I contemplated celebrating this year's Hari Raya penniless. Even after landing a job as a Sales Associate, I further resigned to that fact when I was told that my pay day was on the 30th of the month. But thanks to the efforts of my former supervisor (I left the company a few days ago after fulfilling my notice), I now have some money. It is not much but still Alhamdullilah. As many of my friends had told me, something is always better than nothing. To this date, this would be my saddest Aildiltri because I suddenly realise I am in an emotional crisis. This time it is not brought about by misinformed decisions relating to my relationships, but the simple reason that I am still effectively out of work after more than six months. I guess that is why right now Allah has finally allowed me to see that many people in my life do care a lot for this soldier, namely my parents, my girlfriend and my closest friends. My mum asked me earlier this week if I would be buying any Baju Kurung this year. My reply was that I did not plan to buy any since I only buy a new one every few years being I hardly wore the costume except on certain festive occasions. Still my mum insisted that I buy one for myself as she mentioned that my dad would also chip in some money. I was indeed very touched by that. Before that my mum told me that she did not mind paying for my Specialist Diploma course during a discussion a week before, that came about when I asked her what were her and my dad's plans for my eventual marriage with Farhanah. Of course I did not feel good taking money from my parents because they are in their golden years and they should be enjoying their retirement, not worrying about their son who is supposed to be contributing to them. My mum being my mum as always, insisted that I am after all their son, therefore it is in their interest to help me whenever they can. Seriously I felt like crying at that moment when she said that. Another conversation I had with a polytechnic friend who is also my Financial Planner made my heart heavy, when he said that he and my other friends said that they would not give up on me. He gave that answer when I asked him why the interest about whether I am heading the right path. He also said I should not give up hope because we are Muslims and Allah loves his creations. Actually Farhanah had always told me that people do care about her soldier. It is just that I do not see it, but now I do. With that my perception about the people in my life had changed. My former supervisor had proven to me that civilian world do have superiors that are both competent and worth respecting, because she did display qualities of a good leader. Maybe the people in my life do care about this soldier. Maybe there is still hope in finding a worthwhile job that has good and respectable superiors. I was crying earlier when a neighbour turned on their TV that was showing the Takbir. Listening to the Takbir always made me cry. I really do not know why maybe it is because of what I had realise about my life.

happy birthday singapore...

2009-09-01T00:19:00.004+08:00

I had been trying to write this entry for quite a while because I just could not find the right words. I had been keeping it in my heart since Singapore's National Day. I know all this talk about the army and being a soldier is getting old. I have talked about it so many times that I have resigned to the fact that I should not talk about it to anyone altogether. It is just plain pointless to talk about it. At least I am happy to say that my blood brothers have finally realized that touching on the subject is as taboo as it gets when conversations are concerned. So far all of them have been careful in choosing their words when talking about the army in my presence. Of course I appreciate that very much. As I have mentioned earlier, on my part I have avoided the subject as much as I could when talking to people who does not share my sentiments. Unfortunately it does not really resolve the internal conflict I have within. Essentially it is just putting things aside as I act like I am assimilating to being a civilian until I reach the point in time where I truly become comfortable being one. As always my saving grace is Farhanah, always there to lend me the emotional support. Her role in my life remains crucial as ever because being out of work for six months is a very depressing situation to be in. She asked me earlier today about what if I still did not land the job that I want. My reply was simply I would soldier on because that was what I do best. I soldiered on when I was marching under a typhoon in Taiwan, I soldier on in the heat of Thailand eventhough I ended up with a bleeding nose. Soldier on, that is what soldiers do best.

On Singapore's Birthday, my sweetheart and I decided to watch the fireworks at the parade. I was not surprised that we could not find a place at One Fullerton to get a better view of it. I did work at a Starbucks Store there quite sometime ago. Fortunately we found a spot just on an old bridge outside the Asian Civilizations Museum. The spot was OK even if the Fullerton Hotel was blocking some of the view of the bay. The fireworks is not my point here. The march past and the helicopter flyby with the Singapore Flag is. Every time I look at Singapore's flag, I feel proud and sad. Proud because I had served my country as a soldier. Sad because I feel like an island in a sea of civilians. No matter how much I tell myself that my active NS liability is over, I still feel like I have given too much. Too much to be out of a job for so long. Too much to be told time and time again I need to tone myself down. Too much to know that what I learn in the army is not transferable in the civilian world. The march past reminded me of my ASLC Graduation. The emotions I felt when I was rehearsing for the parade is always fresh in my mind because I shed a few tears when I realised how far I had come to be there. Till this day it was the most monumental effort I have made to achieve a goal. Many have told me to consider trying to sign on as a regular again. Well I would not be writing this blog if I was in the army right now, would I? I need not go to the details on why I am not trying to apply for the army again. I have explained myself enough.

I am aware I may not be a good soldier, boyfriend, friend or son; but I have always given my best to everyone in every possible situation. I always wear my heart on my sleeve. That heart is in the shape on a sergeant's chevron. Yes, I am a perfectionist in an imperfect world; but it does not stop me from at least making my life better. Yes, I continue to talk about it here because I had given too much to be where I am right now.

a small victory for this soldier...

2009-08-19T00:31:00.003+08:00

It has been almost six months since I was told to leave my previous employment. Today I was offered the position of a Sales Associate at Crocodile. Admitedly the pay is much lower than what I used to earn at PowerSeraya; but at least they could meet my expected pay of SGD1300. Actually I stated my expected pay at SGD1200 in the job application form. The offer came eventhough I was 15 minutes late for my interview, which is why today's turn of events were a bit of a surprise to me. In spite Crocodile's undeniably 'cina' image, I could actually draw a lot of positives. Most importantly, the fact that they wanted to give me this opportunity. My interviewers did admit that hiring me would be a risk because their previous malay employees did not live up to expectations. Unlike the first interview with them, where I got a rather lukewarm reception, this time the HR manager and executive were more welcoming, generous with their smiles and handshakes. I was also surprised by how upfront the HR manager was. She certainly did not spare any details about the job and the company itself, which is something I appreciated because it probably means she is open to feedback. Of course, I probably would not be spared the tongue wagging if I did not meet expectations, as she did point out instances where she told off some employees. At the end of the interview, I could not help but smile eventhough I am looking at a workplace which is on the other side of Singapore and a pay that is at least SGD700 lesser than what I used to earn. This time there was no feeling of being triumphant because it is a job that I would honestly say I applied for because I am desperate to find work. Essentially not a job I really want. I did not feel like punching my hands into the air like I always did when I achieved my objectives. I lost the initative when I was ushered out by PowerSeraya's security on the day I was terminated. The job offers that I used to receive from Starbucks and PowerSeraya felt like a confirmation of a victory. This time it feels like a small victory for this soldier.

v0lUnTaRy |pT...

2009-07-15T05:49:00.003+08:00

When I decided to enrol myself into the Army's Voluntary IPPT Preparatory Training (IPT), it was mainly because I was getting bored sitting at home. Anyways I still had to fulfill the requirement of at least attempting to pass my IPPT. It has been a while since I was last in shape and after seeing one of my best friends building himself up by taking the nutrional supplements and carrying weights, I decided it was time I did something about my rake-like body. Looking at my best friend reminded myself of the 'glory' days in polytechnic when I was persuaded by a close friend to take up weights to do something about my rather thin appearance. My guess his intention at that time was that he wanted me to take my mind off from thinking about one of my ex-girlfriends. I need not mention who she is because I mentioned her name too many times already. To illustrate how 'big' my body was at the height of my weightlifting, my best friend showed me a group photo that he took during a barbeque at Aloha Changi. It came as a surprise to see how different I was in size. It did help that I also took the necessary nutritional supplements and had an almost exclusively diet of proteins and nothing else. I still remember that my weight reached its peak of 62.5kg compared to my paltry 55.5kg now. My initial attempt at gaining mass was halted by a broken fist, which was a result of an unwise attempt at anger management. Actually I intended to keep myself in shape after I left the Army, but that plan was somehow halted by my rather hectic work schedule at Starbucks. To add to that, I realise that I actually torn my right shoulder ligament while I was serving my NS. Now that my shoulder is very much healed, according to what doctor said, I decided to go all out during my IPT. However, I still had to keep in mind my newly healed shoulder. Thankfully after two weeks into the training, no pain came from the specific spot that the pain used to originate. My muscles still ache however, but it is due to the fact that my body has not been through any physical training for a long time. After pondering over my IPT earlier when I was smoking, I realise Allah wanted to make a few points. There was the realisation that I was indeed meant for SISPEC, considering I was physically, the only problem was I did not posess the neccessary character. On that note, that was precisely why I needed to through that hell. I dare say I am still in a good shape because the only station that is preventing me from passing is my 2.4km run. The other stations presented very little problems as I only need to improve my condition just a little bit more. That is why I am going all out to improve my stamina. It is ironic when I compare myself to who I was before I enlisted. I actually eagerly await my In-Camp Training, when before I was actually dreading the Army. During my NS, the PTIs and my sergeants were almost looking for little errors in my fellow recruits and I for the basic reason that they wanted to give us a hard time. Now, the PTIs are almost thinking twice about giving us a hard time because it is likely they want to avoid a complain from NSmen. By the way, a complaint from us goes go a long way to getting the PTIs into trouble. Still, I could see them finding a way to 'kick' us into shape. I actually find it amusing that their attempts actually do not have any effect on us. I mean my cohort and I are not fresh recruits and we already serve our time in the Army, so all the 'kicking' around is nothing new to us. Farhanah said I sound excited when I called her after my first IPT session. Even the PTIs were a little surprised that I was oddly enthusiastic for someone who got his NS done and over with. It is undeniable that I enjoyed making new friends, the tough training and basically being in an Army Camp. It is nice my cohort still had the quiet respect for me because I think they knew I was a sergeant from the way I look and seeing that I was potentially fitter than most of them. It was just like the good old days. I always found it ironic that training for war was actually simpler than leading a life as a civilian. One of my Staff Sergeants used to always say that the Army really takes care of its soliders and the civilian world is not as nice we thought it would be. He was so right. I really miss the Army.

YoU Ne3d t0 UnDeRsTaNd Th|s Sold|eR...

2009-07-08T05:40:00.005+08:00

I know my previous entry was a hell of a long story. I just need to type those words. I know I keep on saying about 'I did not serve this country for nothing', but really, sometimes it begs me to question: why am I putting up with all these crap? Seriously I do not give a damn about getting medals or parades. It is bad enough that being a specialist in the Army does not mean being a specialist in the civilian world. It is also bad enough that my style of working is being seen as MILITARY. In a nutshell, my country wants me to become a soldier. Again in a nutshell, I am forced to be a civilian. On top of that, I get sacked. On top of that I cannot even get employed. On top of that NONE of the people I know TRULY and FULLY understand this soldier. The one that can accept this soldier is my Farhanah. She is the only one that has come closest to understand my complex being. It took a long while to accept the reality that possibly no one would truly understand me.

Let me highlight to you a few situations that really shows the ignorance of civilians:

1. I remember the time when I watched AVP2 with my blood brothers. A stupid movie but credit must be given for the comic book style storyline. I thought it was much better than the first one. Anyways, I was in my buddy's car off to supper after the late night movie. One of my friends remarked about how dumb the soldiers were. That of course pissed me off big time, but I thought never mind. For the sake of friendship, I will set aside my sentiments. Unfortunately he kept on going about it and with my last fuse blown, I shouted that was enough and another one of my friends decided to cut our blistering argument but the words he used "Kau jangan kacau budak kecik(me). Boleh tak?!" Did not go well with me. He also received a salvo of shouting from me. At that point I told my friend who was driving, to turn around and bring me home.

2. The President of the Drama Group that I am working for (voluntarily) has and continually remarked that: "You are too military" Ironically, the members of the drama group that I instruct were from the Army like me. Does this lady even realise what is truly military or more accurately REGIMENTAL training?

3. Back during my first trip to Jakarta, I 'confided' in one of my best friends about how the Army, my ex-girlfriends, and my feelings co-related. At that time I had not addressed my problematic shoulder, an injury I received when I was in the Army; so it was aching badly and it made me a bit sentimental. Of course I thought my best friend can be counted upon to give a listening ear. However his remarks left left a lot be desired.

Finally, my latest and most biggest problem: getting a job. Before I had met my girlfriend, finding a suitable life partner was the biggest problem I had. The ones that I had counted on to fill in that role decided that this soldier was too much of a handful for them to handle. As some of them have mentioned: 'You have no heart!' 'You only think of yourself!' One of them did not even recognise me when I saw them in the bus, quite some time ago. Alhamdullilah, I have found Farhanah. She goes a long way in fulfilling a role that sadly too many people had failed.

Sometimes I feel that I am actually the problem because I push everyone out. I refuse to let them into the walls that I have erected around me. I know I am probably the most stubborn person anyone has ever met. Not to mention how short my fuse is. But all I seek is understanding. I accept the fact that most people do not understand soldiers for the simple that they were never there. They will NEVER understand walking in the 39 degree Celcius heat of Thailand or being soaked under the whirling typhoon of Taiwan. So at the very least, do not talk about what you think you know about the Army or about how I think or feel. Do not insult soldiers or the Army. Most of all, do not trivialise what I did for the Army. It may be small, but I did give a lot and it took a lot from me. Finally, I am still the person, the man, the friend and the son that you all knew before I went through the mess of Army. Really, I am still that same person. It is just somewhere inside me. You and I need to find it, together.

My OrDeAL...

2009-07-08T04:19:00.002+08:00

Last week when I was called for two different interviews from two different companies, I thought my luck was changing or more importantly, Allah was about to give me the break that I was praying for. For once, the recruitment agencies that I had sent my resumes and CVs to did their end of the deal, and actually actively promoted me as a suitable candidate for their clients. Pardon me for being cynical but I had been interviewed by at least five different recruitment agencies, so far only two of them had revert back to me about their client's interests in interviewing me. I know. Something is always better than nothing. Still, it represented a ray of hope for me. I was not going to let the opportunity pass by me. Anyways I had two interviews, one on Thursday, the other on Friday. Both at Jurong Island. Yeah, Home Sweet Home. Back to the place where I begin my adventure in the techical industry. Thursday's interview was notwithstanding. I got lost because I was not familiar with the Pulau Sakra section of Jurong Island, so I was late for the interview by about 20 minutes. If that was not bad enough, I was stumped by one of the interviewers. I could not definitively answer his questions. My guess is my chances of getting a job in that company to be 50/50, if not a total zero. Well on Friday, it was a different story altogether. This time I was really early because the interview was at 10.30 am. I arrived at the Jurong Island Checkpoint just before 10am. More than enough time for me to find the place. At that point something I never expected to happened suddenly materialised. When I was changing my IC for a Temporary Pass on Thursday, the staff there mentioned that I had not returned my Permanent Pass from when I was working for Power Seraya. Of course, I mentioned to him that I had surrendered it to my former employers, hence, not my problem anymore, less it was my responsibility to return it personally to the relavant authorities. I thought the problem ended there as I assumed they would settle it with the backstabbers at PowerSeraya. So the staff issued my pass and life went on. Unfortunately that was not the case on Friday as again I was told my Permanent Pass has not been returned, hence, I was not going anywhere inside Jurong Island. At that moment, my panic buttons were being triggered simultaneously. I tried queuing a second time, again I was rejected. So I decided to contact my former HR manager and Executive, unsurprisingly, they were not at their desk. I tried my former engineer. Not successful either because his voicemail was all I got, Whatever. In my desperation, I tried my former colleagues who I know would help me, two of them could not be reached. Finally, I tried Colonel. Thankfully he picked up my call. ALHAMDULLILAH! I know he would never hesitate to help me in a time of need. I tried my best to explain to him calmly about my dillemma. Of course, calmness was far away from me at that time. My Sampoerna Menthols could not even stop me from cursing and swearing. In my mind at that time, PowerSeraya and JTC's Jurong Island Checkpoint were about to greatly damage my chances of getting employed. Colonel being the former Army Officer, calmly told me that he would contact another HR Execs, one that I of the few people in my former company that I thought highly of. I decided to call my girlfriend in an effort to calm myself down, but I was already in tears because it was a desparate situation. For all my hardended soldier mentality, this situation was proving too much for me handle. After calling Farhanah, I forced myself to relax and called the Recruitment Agent to inform her that I would be late by 30 minutes for her client's interview. I thought of calling my interviewers directly but apparently the agency did not provide their client's contact in the email sent to me. By that time it was close to 10.15am and the cabbie that I hired told me that he could not wait anymore. Asshole. I could have paid for all the waiting. Anyways he did get S$10 just by sitting nicely in his cab. The ride to the checkpoint in this cab was to say the least, 'interesting'. No wonder cabbies get into so many accidents. So when Colonel called me to inform me that the HR Exec had talked to the people at the checkpoint, I decided to queue for a third time. It happened that I went to counter that was manned by the supervisor. Again it was still a no go. I told her that there was nothing I could do because the damn pass not in my possesion. In her defence, she said she could not do anything too. What the hell?! So it is my responsibility to ensure that the cursed people at PowerSeraya return the damn pass?! Again I called Colonel and he said they insisted that PowerSeraya faxed over the letter of receipt for the pass and the HR Exec was scrambling to search for it. Great! Fortunately they understood and I told them I would be there latest by 11.30am. I decided to call the HR Exec directly after Colonel gave me her number earlier. She said that the letter had been faxed, so I queued for the FORTH time. This time for sure I would get the damn Temporary Pass. When it was my turn to go to the counter, one of the 'Abang' decided to tell me off: Don't you understand what my supervisor had told you just now?! Before I told muster a reply, his supervisor who was just beside him took over the issuing of my pass. I could see the faxed copy of the letter on her desk. FINALLY, I got my pass. Her timely intervention prevented me, who was nearly out of my mind, from giving the her subordinates a reply that would equal the one I gave to an Army Regular a few years ago. What was he thinking? Why would I bother queuing if I know I would not be issued the pass? For God's Sake, I am 27 years old! Anways, I thought it was again my better judgment to do anything irrational. Colonel had promised me that he would pick me up and drive me to the company and he came not long later. I was already mentally preparing myself for the interview and made a massive effort to put the morning's event aside. During the ride, Colonel asked about my job hunting. I bitched about what my former HR Manager said about getting a job within a month. Of course I added about the crap I got from the checkpoint staff. He and my other former colleague, a religous and nice man, decided to cut me off and said it was a test from Allah, Dugaan. They were right. I suddenly realised Allah would not have allowed me to go through the ordeal if He knew I coul not overcome it. Thankfully, I was in the right frame of mind for the interview. This time I was more satisfied with the outcome although being late again due to unforseen circumstances has cast a doubt about my chances.

r3d3mPt|oN...

2009-06-27T19:39:00.005+08:00

The rejection letter from CNB came last Tuesday with regards to my application to be a Narcotics Officer. With my left eye flinching like crazy before the letter actually arrived, I knew the outcome would not be favorable. Still it made me depressed because I had put some hope into it. I even asked myself if I was ready to shed my camo number four for a navy blue uniform. I had never favored working for the police or any law enforcement agency because I am still a true man in green. Sentiments aside, I did consider the job carefully when my best friend suggest I join CNB. Fortunately the scope of the job won me over and I put in my application. I even did some reading on the Annual Reports generated by CNB, just to a feel of what working in Drug Enforcement was like. Well in the end, all that effort was for nothing. My girlfriend had warned against telling others of my employment possibilities for the fear that it would actually jinx my chances. She added that it might cause me to become overconfident. I initially had thought I was not bragging about my employment possibilities but there might me some truth about what she had said, Overconfidence would make me more hopeful when I should be more realistic about my chances, especially when there is still the possibility of rejection. When I broke the news to her, she knew I was disappointed even though I sent it through SMS. She knows me too well. Times like this I am glad I have her to lend me much needed support. Thankfully I have managed to shrug the negative feelings and continue searching.

A conversation with an old Poly friend who I have not talked to for the past few years allowed me to come to another realization about my life. It was always about redemption. Redeeming myself for my past mistakes by seeking new opportunities that would allow me to do it right or work towards a more positive outcome. That was the case before I met Farhanah as I had always quietly prayed for someone that make my life complete. Alhamdullilah I was blessed to have met Farhanah. Now I realised that I am feeling angry and depressed over my career because I always felt I never fulfilled my potential as a student. Hence my unemployment right now and why I am aiming to get a degree when the time is right. A few important have told me it is just not my time yet to find the right job. Perhaps Allah is answering my prayers to make me a more patient man. I guess this is the only way for me to learn the meaning of patience because I did not exercise patience when I was gainfully employed. Again I await the chance to redeem myself. InsyaAllah, hopefully I do not waste the next chance I have to prove myself capable of being successful when I am gainfully employed once again.

sTiLL UnEmPLoYeD...

2009-06-12T04:57:00.003+08:00

It is three months into my unemployment. Although I am still feeling confident of getting a job soon, it feels depressing sometimes when I consider the fact that my rather premature release from my former employers had cast a shadow on my employment potential. It makes me even more depressed when I see my savings getting lesser by the day. It is not impossible to get a job in spite of the economic climate but it seems right now that it is actually more difficult than I had once thought. It comes as a relieve that I can always depend on Farhanah to lend the important emotional support in these tough times. Still the drawing the strength to carry on looking for employment would have come from me. At the end of the day, it is my future that is at stake. For all the gung-ho attitude that I put forward, I realize that the intangible aspects of one's life is still at the mercy of the All-Mighty, for example the outcome of a job interview. That honestly scares the hell out of me, because I always like to be in control. Being a Muslim, I must accept the fact that I can only do what is humanly possible with a good intention in mind and heart; while the rest is Allah's will. Also being a Muslim, I must accept that something good will always come from any outcome, even a negative one. Of couse that brings us back to the meaning of patience, a virtue that is still undergoing slow and painful construction within the confines of my psyche. I honestly feel I would not have been in this situation if I did better in school or at work. Sometimes I just feel like crying when problems become too difficult to resolve. The funny thing is that I cannot even cry sometimes thanks largely to the Army. Or maybe deep down inside my head I know crying is merely a temporary reprieve.

On3 YeAr aNn|v3sArY...

2009-06-03T05:40:00.004+08:00

As I look forward to celebrating my first full year of relationship with my girlfriend, it is an exemplar to the meaning of patience. I am a man not usually known for his patience. In light of that, I believe Allah has taken steps to show me the meaning of the word. Before I met Farhanah, it had been more than five years since I had met a lady that I would truly love. During that time I did date quite a number of women, practically from every stereotype any man can think of. I am not attempting to brag about my exploits, I just want to highlight the fact that it was a long and difficult journey. In that time, when I dated Ain, some valuable lessons were learned. My journey to find a life partner was inextricably linked to the journey that I was going through as a person. Choosing the right person was just as important as developing my character and learning to truly move on with my life, instead of holding on to the past. As I have mentioned many times before, some things are easier said than done. I have to admit that Farhanah's appearance into my life did facilitate very much my efforts to look to the future. At the same time, I realised she did come into my life when I actually felt that I was ready to look beyond a future that did not include the women that had disappointed me. In that light, Farhanah had paved the way for me to really think about my plans for the next five to ten years. There is a lot of truth to the saying that God works in mysterious ways because when I reflected upon the possibility of meeting Farhanah before I was truly ready for her, things might turn out very differently for me right now. Although I would not consider myself a religious man at this point of time, my faith in Allah has certainly been reinforced. In addtion to the valuable life lessons, I have been granted a lady that could truly and unconditionally love the soldier that I am. Farhanah is someone I can truly love and put my maximum effort into making our relationship work. For the first time in my life, I am actually running out superlatives to describe how wonderful it is to be with her. I never had a relationship that still postive after a year together. Up to this point, unlike my previous relationships I do not have anything negative to reflect upon my relationship. Perhaps it is due to my maturing character but all I want to say again is I am just truly grateful to have her in my life. It does not matter if she is imperfect in any way. I love her the way she is. I am happy that she is not like any of my ex-girlfriends because she is special. Special in the way that she loves me and that is the only standard she needs to attain. Indeed she has attained the highest standard. I love You, CuteGirl...

mY |d3aL PaRtNeR...f0uNd...

2009-05-22T17:35:00.006+08:00

"To my ideal partner, whoever you may be,

You are a presentable woman who knows what she wants in life; someone who has a stable career, driven in whatever she does. You are able to look deep into my eyes and seek the man that I truly am. You must be willing to make me feel secure emotionally and mentally. You need only be strong for me one percent of the time, while I will be strong for us 99 percent of the time. You wish to be my lifelong companion; therefore you must fully understand the aspirations and inspirations of the individual that is I. You must fully accept that I am a complicated person, although my needs are simple. You cannot fail to realise that I wear my heart on my sleeve. More often than not that heart resembles the chevrons of a sergeant because I will always be a soldier at heart. Like a soldier, I will be unwaveringly loyal to anyone that is close to my heart. Those people who are close to my heart will be my parents, best friends and most importantly, you. And I expect the same of you in terms of loyalty. At the same time, I will fight for and protect those who are dear to me with all my heart. You should appreciate my determined efforts to seek a complete existence. I will do my utmost to be the best in life. I will never give up in life or in anything I put my heart into. That means I will not abandon this relationship should we fall into difficult times.

As my ideal partner, you must be willing to embrace the lonely man that I am. You should never make me feel lonely, rejected or left out. You will always be there for me as I always am there for you. You must always be willing to listen to my advice for it is always in your best interest and of our relationship. If you truly love me, you will always look beyond my physical self and look deep into my psyche to seek out my true motives. You truly and unconditionally love me for everything and anything that I am. You will help me to become a better man, so that I can help you become a better woman. My aggressiveness and discipline are aspects of my character you must be able to accept wholeheartedly. Please do not worry as that does not mean I am abusive, it is just the attitude I have towards life. I also do not compromise my beliefs and neither should you. I understand the above is an enormous undertaking, but all I need you to know is how much I love you and how fortunate and grateful I feel to find someone like you. Now that I have found you, I hope that my heart can finally rest easy that I do not always have to be strong in facing life’s challenges because I have you behind me every step of the way. I love you so much…

Yours Truly,

Najib"

Before I met CuteGirl, I always cautioned against declaring that I had found my Ideal Partner because too often it turned out that the lady whom I thought was the one would actually fall out. Therefore, I had always resisted the urge to believe that my search has ended. Of course that was difficult because there were just too many times when the loneliness is just too obvious to be ignored. At the moment as always I would throw caution to the wind and just dive into a relationship that would ultimately end prematurely, adding to the already enormous weight of emotional baggage that I was carrying. At some point of my previously relationship with Ain, I decided to write a letter to my Ideal Partner, with the hope that someday I would meet someone that could take up the mantle. At the end of it, I realized that it my expectations of a would-be Ideal Partner were indeed high. After much thought, I justified to myself that anyone who spend the rest of my life needed to understand my whole being. I took a long time to accept that I am a complicated person. And because of that, it might have caused some women to turn away from me. However, I did attempt to address my complicated character, but in the end I cannot deny that this was how Allah had created me. I am some distance away from fully understanding why I am the way I am, but that has never stopped me from searching for answers. The events that have unfolded in the past year have yielded some important answers about me, my life and my search for an Ideal Partner. Having Farhanah in my life has brought much needed peace that I was looking for. All this while, it was stability that I was looking for. I have to admit that even having her in my life is a surprise in itself. I truly never expected her to actually make such a positive impact in life. It holds tremendous meaning that she acknowledged me as Her Soldier. It reflects her acceptance of my being. It also shows how much she truly cares and loves me. In light of my premature dismissal from PowerSeraya, she is the fundamental reason that I am not out of sorts. Although the reason may be due to my maturity, she plays an important role as the one who calms me down and reminds me to exercise patience in situations where I would normally have blown my fuses. Like many other relationships, this one is not without its fair share of disagreements. Still I believe we remain strong in spite of the disagreements. However, I am glad that this is the first relationship that I have so many positive things to reflect on. I remain grateful to Allah for giving me the opportunity to have someone like her in my life. My faith is stronger now that some important questions have been answered.

I Love You, CuteGirl...You Are My Ideal Partner...

Pr0uD t0 LoV3 a SoLd|3r...

2009-05-21T00:06:00.003+08:00

This would be my very first blog entry in blogspot after using live journal for the past few years. The theme of my writting remains the same: chronicling my journey through life. It is my honor to write about someone who is truly close to my heart, my girlfriend, my CuteGirl: Siti Farhanah. I celebrated her 23rd birthday on 16 MAY 2009.

Figuring out what I should get for her birthday caused quite a bit of a consternation on my part. I knew what she liked but I wanted to get something special for her. I eventually settled for an Aromatheraphy Reed Diffuser that I bought from body shop. It was worth the effort because this lady is proud to love a SOLDIER!

That is a little something I did for her. It was amusing that when I was preparing it somewhere at Suntec City's Sky Garden I attracted the attention of a man who happened to pass by. He must have thought that I was doing some satanic ritual. HaHaHa... Anyways, I would have loved to be given a little more privacy to prepare the little celebration but I did what I could with what I had. Again, all the sweat and the humidity of the evening was all worth the it to make my CuteGirl's Birthday that much more special. This soldier loves her very much!

CaRe3r PLaNn|nG...

2009-05-20T11:50:00.001+08:00

In about a week's time, it will be two months since I was summarily dismissed by Power Seraya. In that time and I still am doing some soul searching, trying to find where I had gone wrong and more importantly secure new employment. I have to admit it was tough in the beginning to take in the reality of situation. Frankly I am a little surprised that I am taking it all reasonably well considering the magnitude it. Again I have to thank my former colleagues, for easing me into the new reality. As always, the one I called 'Colonel', a man who was a father and a elder brother rolled into one, and my other other close colleagues like Yasin, Juraimi, Jamil and Hand, gave their fair share of important words of advice. I really miss them a lot. They were truly nice people to work with. In the process of soul searching, I did decide to borrow some books on career advancement and resume writing. From reading those books and the advice that people had been giving me, I realized that they were right when they said I let my emotions get in the way of things. My temperament had caused me to cast aside my work and prevented me from making the best of whatever I had in terms of the opportunities. Indeed it is a bitter pill to swallow but I always know all is not lost. I did save some money before I was sacked, so I still have funds to tie me down for the next few months. During one of the dates I had with CuteGirl, I found a Italian football magazine, Calcio Italia, which did an interview with my footballing idol, Alessandro Del Piero. Of course I bought it, even though my girlfriend advised against it so that I could save my money. I have always admired Del Piero because of his determination. It reflected in his attempt to become the football player that he was after he broke his leg. It took a while for him to find his form again but he did come back in spectacular fashion. The way he looked when he is plying his trade says it all about his determination. And the words he said in the magazine interview was timely and inspirational.

"The time to quit will also arrive for me, but today's not that day"

He obviously shares the same kind kind of determination that I have and I remember his words from time to time so that I can keep going. For all the gung-ho that I display, I need those words because at the end of the day I am at the mercy of Allah's will. In a job interview that I went a week ago, I suddenly realized that. At best I could only do what was humanly possible, the outcome was up to Allah. But it does not shake my faith in Allah, it still remains strong within my heart and mind. I do not have any doubts that I will find a job. It is only a matter of time. As always, patience is the key word.

Th3 t|m3 t0 Qu|t w|LL aLs0 aRr|v3d f0r m3, BuT n0t ToDaY's n0t ThAt DaY...

2009-03-25T09:26:00.000+08:00

To this date, this is the most difficult post to write in my life. Even after two days, I find myself struggling to type these words. After going through the hell of Army and every other obstacles and challenges that life has thrown at me, what happened to me on Monday has the magnitude to change my life. Thankfully it was not anything that would get me into trouble with the law. On Monday, despite the typical blues associated with the first working day of the week, I managed to drag myself out of bed and even got to board the first company-chartered bus to work. Earlier on, last Friday actually one of the HR executives was looking for me. Apparently it was urgent enough to warrant one of my engineers to call me at home. I was sick on that day so I decided to take a day of sick leave. I had been fighting a flu that were accompanied by a cough and running nose for more than a week. It was annoying that I was sick again after I had battled a week long fever that almost got me and my mom thinking I got Dengue Fever. Again, Alhamdullilah, it was not that but URTI, something recruits used to commonly get when they just enlisted into the Army and sent to Tekong for their BMT. That annoyed me even further when the Doctor at the Changi Hospital A&E told me it was actually URTI. I was supposed to be immuned to such viruses. It seemed ironic when I was in the Army, getting a fever was like trying to strike the lottery. Nowadays, getting the flu or fever seems unlike the odd occurence it should be. My GP told me that I looked like someone who kept long hours and was in a lot of stress, when I came to his clinic on that Friday. So when Monday arrived, I was eager to come to work because I thought the HR exec was searching for me so that I could sign the contract extension. I even left a voicemail at her extention so that she knew where to look for me. My engineer called me soon after to inform that she had arranged a meeting for me that morning. When I came to the Management Centre, everyone was in a cheery mood as always. When I did caught up with her, she asked me to wait while she readied some documents. At that moment, I saw two security personnel entering the place. I did not think too much of it. In a meeting room beside the visitor waiting area, it look like a big meeting was going to take place so it was definitely not the place where I would be heading for my contract discussions. Not long later, the HR exec actually directed me to the meeting room and I was surprised to see my AVP Utilities, Asset Manager, and another unfamiliar lady. My AVP was quick to notice that I did not recognise her and promptly introduced her. We shook hands as I introduced myself which was a little oxymoron because I have gained a level of notoriety at my company. Once everyoine was properly seated, my AVP broke the news. He said that the company would not be extending my contract. It was ironic that I was hired in the very same room and it turned out that I would be sacked at eaxactly the same place. At that point I could almost imagine the expression on my face changing instantaneously, from one of cheerfulness to that of anger and shock. My mind was already thinking of how I would overcome this setback eventhough I was obviously losing my head. To add salt to injury, it was not even a one-month notice but an immediate termination. Hence, I had to leave the place asap and that is where my security escort came into play. I felt like a convict because they had to follow everywhere I went. The feeling of humiliation did not weigh in too much as I was already fuming. After signing the relavent documents, my AVP asked if I had anything to say. Considering the situation, I really could not think of anything to say because there was really no point. They wished me luck and shook my hand like it was nothing. I stormed out of the room trying to be professional and not be emotional. I did not bother to wait for anyone. It was already very clear to me that I need to clear out the place. We went through the motion of checking out all my stuff and returning my passes and keys. At one point, one of my favourite colleagues, bid farewell to me. He looked like he was stiffling his tears and I went over to his cubicle to shake his hands again. After he offered a hug, it was already too much for me to hold back and I just cried. He kept saying to me to keep the momentum going. I wanted to let it out earlier on but I just held it back. A few goodbyes with some of my favourite colleagues later, I was in a cab on my way back home. I called Farhanah to tell what happened. She shared my grief and cried too. Now here I am typing these words at ironically at starbucks, the company that forced me to resigned more than two years ago. From the way I describe my experience, the memory is still fresh in my mind. I try not to dwell on it because it would just make me more depressed. Alhamdullilah, it seems that I cannot even dwell on it even if I want to, let alone shed a few more tears. Perhaps, it is because now I have Farhanah's support and I still have enough money to keep me afloat for at least two or three months while I find a new job. My experience at PowerSeraya has taught many life lessons. It has definitely demonstrated the human capacity to do things that I can only see on tv or movies. The adage about anything is possible in this world certainly has a lot of truth. In a silent and unseen way, one can still get disenfranchised and discrimated. The experience has also taught me that leadership is a virtue that only a priviledged few know of and have the knowledge of what it actually means. At this point I do not see any point in describing the situation any further because I would just be repeating myself. However I will bring this matter up to the proper authorities. Being a Muslim, I am only required to do what is humanly possible and I have already did but apparently Allah has other plans. I have faith that Allah has something good in store for me. I also have faith that Allah will pass on the fairest judgement to those who have done wrong. I believe it is one they will never forget anytime soon. I know life is not fair but Allah is fair. My time to quit will come, but not today. The only time that I quit is when I do not have any breath in my body. Who ever said I was ever defeated? I am never defeated only just beaten.

d |r0nY oF |t...

2009-03-09T07:04:00.000+08:00

Today probably marks the last day I work for this God-Forsaken department. Tomorrow I will begin my training as a personnel in the operational side of things. I actually feel a little bit sad. I really cannot help but think about how I got employed into this company. As always, phrases like 'full of potential' are always linked to me every time I am employed into a new company or get into something new. I seriously do not know why my potential employers or future superiors always use such words or phrases with me. My grades or aptitude are at best always very minimal or even elementary. To say the least it just plain sucks. So why on earth do these people keep using those words? I guess only Allah knows. As the script goes, those nice little words would slowly become the opposite when my bosses know how much I suck. I am not looking down on myself. It seems to be the pattern every time, from the time I was Army, till today. I have often mentioned to my would be superiors or employers that they should not put too much hope in me. I have made it clear to them what I can do and what I cannot do. Maybe I am just a convenient scapegoat these people like to use when things go wrong. It does not help when I have this habit of not speaking out when I need to. Look, when you spend two years listening to orders without question, it becomes a 'little' difficult to break the habit even if you work in an environment where insubordination does not exists. Honestly right now I feel like a loser, because try as I might, the stupid bitch refuses to see the work I do. So here I am typing these words. My transfer paperwork has yet to go through HR or I do not know where the hell it is stuck at. The funny thing is my training program is already in but the black and white for my transfer remains in question. I am beginning to sound like a refugee. Irregardless of whom is responsible for influencing the chain of events that eventually lead me here, I have to concede that they have succeeded. That of course does not mean I am defeated. I am never defeated.

a HaLf-TrUtH...

2009-02-20T05:18:00.000+08:00

It came as a relieve to me when my manager asked if I wanted to work in another department in my company. The story was he actually asked one, a few or all the other managers at my workplace if they wanted me. I cannot beat the fact that he did 'fought' for me by doing so because other I would be out of a job in a few months. It was nice to know that at least one of the managers did want me in their department, but of course that was only a half-truth. I did a check with one of my engineers in my department whom I was close with and he told me a different story. It was true that my SVP did decide to grant me another chance, even if my contract would only be extended for another year. What I did not know was that actually NONE of managers express any interest to include me in their department. I was offered the postion because another department or section will be set-up in the near future. My manager, out of his goodwill (or not), suggested I be part of its manpower. Of course at that point, my stupid ass bitch of a team leader objected. But after some serious discussion (one can only guess what happened at that point), my SVP decided to give me that one LAST opportunity to prove my worth. As I have said earlier, my manager deserve some credit for considering the situation I would be if I was out of a job. But I did not appreciate the way he reacted when I gave a TWO thumbs up to agree to my transfer. He thought I was trying to fool around and that just spoilt my morning (a monday morning at that). Still a job is always better than no job and a job in another department is better than a job in my current section, even if NO one really wanted me to stay. It is one of those rare instances where I actually did not like the truth. It just made me wish that I should have done better in polytechnic so I would have better staying power in my company or be working in another company with a better working environment. Or even better still, be an engineer instead of a powerless technical officer. I have always hated being a loser and at this moment I cannot help but feel like one.

PaUs|nG t0 Th|nK...

2009-02-03T13:51:00.000+08:00

I always find it interesting to really think about how I end up in the situation that I am in. How I perceive life to be has changed dramatically in the past few years. About a year ago, the big question in my mind was when I would meet my life partner. Thankfully, I did meet her not long later. As always that is not the end of it, because 'happily ever after' never exists in real life. As of now the big question in my mind is if I will be gainfully employed after April, because that is when my contract with my current company ends. To brace myself for the possibility of not being employed my company, I did do some job hunting for quite a while, in fact it began as early as September of last year. Considering the current world financial situation, I think finding a new employer would be a challenge in itself. My professional relationship with my boss has become very uncomfortable, to say the least. I guess right now my Asset Manager and Team Leader are counting the days to my eventual departure. When I was in the Army, my 'ORD' date was eagerly awaited but at this present time my contract expiry date has become an unwanted 'ORD' date. Perhaps I was never fated to be with this company after all. When I met Farhanah, I knew the payback would come as a sacrifice, like when I was seemingly 'cured' of the growth in my neck a long time ago. That time I lost Ida, this time it may be my job. All things considered it is a sacrifice I am willing to make because Farhanah is the answer to my prayers. I had waited for as long as I can remember until she came into my life. Indeed, it was a long journey. I think people who are close to me know how difficult it was. All things considered, if I lose my job, it is worth it. Up to this point, I would dare say I never had the displeasure of serving such incompetent leadership. I seriously feel it such a waste that it is the case in PowerSeraya especially when my experience with most of my colleagues (minus those in my section and department) had been a wonderful one. I do not expect a perfect workplace with perfect bosses and colleagues, but I do expect bosses who can value and respect me. It did not matter if PowerSeraya was one-tenth of its size and my pay was $500 lesser. Again I would like to say, all that matter is having a boss who is a good leader. Perhaps that is an ideal world situation and real world was never an ideal place to begin with.

MY WORTHLESS SACRIFICE...

2008-12-29T05:51:00.000+08:00

As I listened to what my physiotherapist said earlier, I can't help but feel that my shoulder was still far from being fully healed. It was already annoying that I had to repeat what I had told the previous Therapist who took on my case before I was discharged, presumably that I would be OK in six months time. That never happened unfortunately. Any situation relating to my injury was not turning out too fine to say the least. Fundamentally, my shoulder is not in a bad condition but it is far from being in a condition I can once again do any pull-ups, push-ups, or carrying weights, until I strengthened the torn and inflamed muscle in my shoulder. When I considered my options, I realized that even if the Specialist and Therapist would recommend surgery, it would mean that my career was at risk. At risk because the stupid bitch that is my boss would have more leverage not to extend my contract or make my employment permanent. Worse still, if I was indeed out of a job, who would want to hire me while I still was waiting for my shoulder to heal because of surgery? I would not be of any use to any prospective employers, at least in the short-term. With that train of thought going through my mind, I also realized that I might even be permanently downgraded to non-combat status when I am recalled by the Army. That possibility made me more depressed as I walked home from the hospital. Serving the Army is probably still the most meaningful thing that I can do in life. I was already fighting with my emotions because my eyes became teary. When I put this situation into perspective, it was obvious that I should have paid more attention to my posture because the Therapist kept mentioning about my back; to my chagrin. That is beside the point. When I think about why I decided to keep quiet about my shoulder, I feel more depressed and frustrated, because my fellow soldiers and superiors were having the impression that I wanted to find an excuse to avoid the tough training. Earlier on, before I actually was enlisted, I did mentioned about my back to the Medical Officer who assessed my medical fitness when I went for the compulsory check-up. Of course my words did not have any weight, I was discharged by the Institute of Health because they deemed my back was fine when I was in secondary school. So unless I had the records, they assumed I was fine to be turned into a combat soldier. I assumed they knew what they were doing because they are the 'experts' after all. All that while as I did not realize the condition of my shoulder till the incident on the low ropes. It was the defining moment for my injury. Maybe I should have sought help earlier, but I believed I was serving a higher purpose and doing something for the greater good. It made me proud that I could overcome many things to be a good soldier. I thought maybe people around me would appreciate what I do, so it was worth it. I thought life would be more meaningful as a result. Unfortunately that was never the case, because I am beginning to realize that even the Army thought and still thinks I am trying to avoid my responsibility. Even my boss, thinks so. Until now, other than my girlfriend, I have yet to see anyone who is close enough to me say: 'Najib, we are proud that you have sacrificed a lot for us and this country.' Maybe it is too much to expect that from my friends or parents; but at least if they can show me through their daily interactions with me that they do indeed appreciate what I have done; I might be a less angry and frustrated man. Maybe having this injury would feel less of a worthless sacrifice. Only a FEW know what truly happened to me in those years I was in the Army. NONE truly understand what I feel during those tough times. I doubt ANYONE would even bother to try, other than Farhanah. If you think I am asking too much from others, so be it. ALL of you know I do not care. For once in your lives, be Najib, then decide. Maybe my life is not so tough, but it is not easy. I know everyone has their issues and problems. I respect that fact. For anyone who are mere aquaintences, I am not bothered by what kind of impression you have of me. For people who know me well enough, I expect better from EACH and EVERYONE of you.

A sAd FaCt...

2008-12-02T03:15:00.001+08:00

More than a week ago I was served with my very first SAF 264. No, it is not another version of the SAF 100, a letter informing about an impending ICT. The SAF 264 is the kind of letter you would receive if the Army wants to charge you for an offence. I do not know if this applies to major offences but fortunately/unfortunately mine was a minor offence. At the end of the fiasco, after going through the motions of meeting the Junior Discipline Officer (JDO), a NSman himself, I was only served with a warning and had my RT/VOLUNTARY IPT waived. It just makes me wonder why go through all this mess when all they wanted me to do was take my damned IPPT. All the worry about having to pay the fine ranging from $50 to $150 or even higher, was for nothing. The whole incident was a cause for worry because I am flat broke. Having to pay the fine meant I had to owe my dad more money. Anyways I am sure as you say I ought to be grateful it did not turn out for the worse. Well that is not my point here. It is just sad the only organization that I give credit for having some of the best leaders I have worked with actually cannot recognise that I did not have any intention to "run away from the system" as the JDO had repeatedly warn me. I had stated clearly to him and the Medical Officer (MO) if you give me one full year of excuse from IPPT and I will gladly fulfill my NS obligations. Of course the JDO cannot do anything about it, the MO obviously could but the SAF Medical Board did not grant my request. Maybe they thought it was trying to "test the system". During this whole fiasco, obviously I was not going to sit down and do nothing and be $50 poorer. I had enquire with many places and my immediate superior when I was in the Army. One thing was for sure after all those calls, a lot of people who supposedly know the procedures; know nuts about the question I asked them. Even the personnel I questioned at the place I was charged, was a little puzzled when I threw them the same question. As always they changed the story or just kept quiet. As for my immediate superior, one of the few men in the world I regard as a true leader, he did say he wanted to help but due to some reasons he did not. So much for people I believe in. So much for the ONLY organization I believe in. It did not matter that the Army is not a perfect organization. I believe it because I have worked under some of the leaders when I was serving the Army which I have so much believe in it. I credit this organization for single-handedly creating the man that is typing this blog. Yet I am feeling disenchanted by this fiasco. It is bad enough that I have to work for a company that is a DISASTER waiting to happen. The Army had to waste valuable time and effort to charge me for a very minor offence when all it needed to do was let me heal my god forsaken shoulder. To think I actually put off reporting this injury because I did not want to be downgraded. The world needs to learn to value people who have lots of heart. Unfortunately this world has a long way to go before it learns that valuable lesson.

Hope For Change...

2008-11-10T03:01:00.000+08:00

Up to this point, this year can be considered one full of surprises. How the year kicked off is still fresh in my mind; drunk and out of sorts. It was bad enough I was carrying the emotional baggage of my previous years. Up till 1st January 2008, I had the added burden of another bad break-up. So I had my work cut out as the year wore on. Knowing how much of a surprise life can be, I was eager what would come up around the corner. As with the years before since I entered adulthood, things would always be tough. I need not say anymore about that. What surprises me the most about this year is the word, hope. I am aware that I have mentioned this word probably countless times but this year the word had a particularly special meaning. Early this year after so many false starts to possible relationships, I was starting to think that it would be another year where I would just drag through if not soldier on. That would all change when I met Farhanah. Again I was reintroduced to the concept of hope. The believe that things would turn out fine after all. Well I am not holding my breath yet but it feels good when things turns out the way you want it to be, even if it just a bit. As I have said before, I am grateful, because it has renewed my drive, will, determination and most importantly, my mental strength. Last week, Allah just showed me that there is still some hope left for this world, even if we are moving towards oblivion. Never in my life would I expect Americans to vote for a minority raced politician for president. I am sure any adult of voting age from any country in this world would not expect Obama to win. Yet he won. Considering how racist humankind can be, his victory was well earned. I admire his courage to challenge the status quo. Since I left the army, I have YET to meet a CIVILIAN whom I can respect as a leader. Surely not the management slaves at my workplace. But Obama did, even if this guy is not going to be a political leader in Singapore (too bad!) and even if we have yet to see whether he lives up to his campaign promises. From what I see, he at least fits my criteria of what a political leader should be. Most importantly because he won the election, he has just proven to me that there is always hope for change. Like I have said, this year is just full of surprises. Well actually any other year would have its own set of surprises. 2008 stands out because of two people, my girlfriend, Farhanah and Mr Obama, probably one of the best leaders I have met so far. 2008 is not done yet. I expect a few more surprises before 2009 shows itself.

812 Singapore Infantry Regiment...

2008-09-04T12:55:00.001+08:00

As of 25 July 08, I was posted to 812 SIR. It would become my reservist unit. My appointment is still not known, although I can be either of these: Platoon Sergeant, Section Commander, GPMG Commander or Ops Specialist. Base on what my former DY Commander have said when I was still in NS, I would be a Platoon Sergeant because he wanted the specialists that worked under him to continue be under his command when we ORD. He would move on to become a Brigade Commander, which is why he informed us of his wish earlier on. Well, if I was designated as a Platoon Sergeant, it would be obvious that I have to go through the Platoon Sergeant Course. Like anything that is associated with the Army, it will be tough. It has been more than two years since I donned my full-battle order. It would be interesting to see how I would adjust myself to army life yet again. I miss the army and I cannot wait to walk the jungles again. This is only my form of escape. The only one that allows me to be who I am, by being in my true skin. Whatever my appointment, damn hell I am looking forward to it.

tHaT's n0t Th3 ShAp3 0f My h3aRt...

2008-08-18T13:32:00.000+08:00

I have always regarded my life as a journey. I think most of us know what lies at the end of our journey; but lets not talk about that. Challenge after challenge, difficulty after difficulty. I learned many lessons willingly or unwillingly. Every now and then I would watch the skin flix I put up on my Friendster Profile. Every time it would be a tearful experience because it still represents how I feel. It was originally intended to make people who would like to know I am, understand me better. In a nutshell, it captured how I felt for now and maybe the distant future. I have always maintained that I would not forget what I have experienced in the Army, even if the memories are slowly fading and even as I assimilate into this unforgiving civilian world. One of the things that I had learned the hard way is leadership. The Army really taught me what it truly meant. Now that I know what being a leader is all about, I actually do not like the idea. That is mainly because I am responsible for every outcome of my decision. For that reason always, I do not take leadership lightly. I used to see the perks of becoming a leader but now I only see what would result in failure to lead competently. In the Army, I can easily name a few men I count as true leaders but in my current line of work, I would not even count any superior as my leader, for even a second. It does not matter if they are manager or engineer. I can only see their failure to become effective leaders. I only see their pathetic attempt to cover their asses whenever they can so that they can climb the corporate ladder that much quicker, get rated highly for their performance bonuses or just for the fact they do not want my vice-president to give them a good tongue wagging. People who know me well enough know I do not buy this kind of nonsense. I honestly do not have pride in my work. Living in this civilian world I often feel like a soldier who returns home only to be overlooked as another civilian. Although I cannot deny that I did not serve in any conflict, I think the sacrifices I have made to become a soldier was a war in itself. That is why I often curse quietly to myself: I did not serve my country for nothing. The failure of those who are close to me, to understand the man that I am right now, is a bitter pill for me to swallow. Their failure to see the true shape of my heart often makes me feel almost left out. A few weeks ago, I was having an argument with my theater boss. She regarded the punishment I have given to the actors I was training to be too harsh and "military-like". I have to admit I did ordered them to get down onto push-up positions but I did not ask them to do any push-ups. I was angry at her for saying that because I did not like civilians who assume they know that the military is about. More importantly she did not appreciate the fact that I was doing what was necessary to ensure that the actors would be ready for our performance. My boss and I have a close relationship because we are good friends. From there I assumed she knew what I was thinking, until of course that incident. The whole incident only highlighted what I have always knew but quietly deny: they will never know how soldiers feel like. Things like this makes us feel like we are outcasts, the unwanted by-product of society. The world will always need soldiers because it is only young men who will go to wars. People like me who some have describe as "follow orders without question like dogs who listens to their master". Others will always take for granted that we are the ones who will be at the front lines, not them.

h0m3c0m|nG...

2008-08-07T13:19:00.001+08:00

Leaving and returning to this country has always been an emotional event for me, irregardless it is for business or holiday purposes. I do not know why this is always the case for me. I bet not many people what I know actually understand why I put youtube video, 'Remember Me', on my friendster profile. It is a video about a soldier's homecoming and it explains why there is a need for a soldier to know that his loved ones remember him. Of course I know even fewer realise why this video would have any relation to me. It can be said that my ORD date was the day that I truly came home. I believe this holds true to many of my friends who went through Army like I did. It is the day that we can truly say we can shed everything that was related to the Army and return to the life that we had before enlisting. Of course like I said before it is easier said than done. Other than myself I see very few guys who are so vocal and open about their struggle to assimilate back to their former civilian lives, while others choose to keep it to themselves. I admire those men. Whether they have truly assimilated back to civilian life or the fact that they are just pretending, only Allah knows. Either way, they deserve credit for it. It has been more than two years since I was allowed to be a civilian once again. I still remember the days when I just enlisted. I told myself I would savour being a civilian once again and forget all this bullshit they call National Service. Of course that was before the training and everything that went with the Army. Many field exercises and live-firings later, I was a changed man. It it funny that I used to think that I was already a man when I reached the aged of 21. The fact that 21 is the minimum voting age in Singapore just serves to reinforce that thought. It was only after I finished my service, did I realise why they said the Army would make men of out boys. If listening to the sound of gunfire, exploding grenades and other pyrotechnics that the Army had did not affect you in any way, it is possible that you are not human at all. Because it did change me. Bundled with the generous amount of time my friends and I spent in the jungles of South East Asia, it turned us into almost totally different persons from who we used to be. There I go again. Going on and on about things that I mentioned countless times. It does not surprise me that it has already bored some of you to the point that it is becoming meaningless, but it still holds a lot of meaning to me. The fact that my time in the Army has practically overwrote the significance of the memories that had before I enlisted just proves how much of an impact the Army had made on me. It is not something I will forget anytime soon or even ever forget. Every time I open my wardrobe, I am filled with pride when I see the stripes on my 'smart 4'. Something that was earned literally with blood, sweat and tears. Other than the help I got from my platoon mates, no one was there to lend even a bit of emotional support. Maybe Yani did but I am sure you know what she did in the end. Basically it was all my own effort. Most importantly, I earned it because I dug deep inside myself so that I could muster the courage to face and overcome the mental block that I had. The mental block that has prevented me to fulfill my fullest potential. It was exceedingly difficult to do so. I was even surprised at myself that I could actually overcome it. Behind everything I do, there is a reason. Often a compelling and strong reason. I dare say it is not my ego. I say I miss the Army not because I enjoy being an 'overly obedient government dog' or killing people. It is because it is the biggest turning point my life. Even with the challenges I face at work right now, nothing I have faced in the civilian world will ever come close to what I went through in the Army. Truly nothing will ever come close. Only Allah knows. Even as I write this words, the emotions and the memories are still fresh in my mind. I have come home, but this is not the civilian world I left. Maybe I never knew how the real world is like, but I never thought soldiers would get this sort of reception. We do not care about getting a big 'thank you", just a sincere smile from people who are close to our hearts is often more than enough. It makes all the blood, sweat and tears seem worthwhile. At least we know we did not do all that for nothing. At least we know we changed because it is for the greater good. At least we know we made made the sacrifice because it is for the people we care about. We truly appreciate being seen as people who fought for their loved ones, not as 'mindless slaves'. Even if we are obligated to serve, most of us did it wholeheartedly. It is still a big sacrifice even if we did not do it sincerely. For that we deserved to be remembered.

Writer's Block: Where Names Come From

2008-08-02T22:25:00.000+08:00

There is no mystery behind why my parents named me "Najib". I have looked up the meaning of the name before and it means "intelligent and noble". So I never really did asked my parents why they gave me that name because I like its meaning. Muslims believe that the name given to a child would represent their real character. And most of the time I see people actually living up to their name. Well I guess that is how the expression came about. Anyways, my pseudonym, avatar, nickname or alter ego, is of course given by myself. No one had any say in why I chose to call myself UberSoldat. Till now few only know why I call myself that and even fewer know what it means. That is because I do not tell any tom, dick or harry what it means. However today I will change that. Of course those who actually follow my blog would know the meaning of UberSoldat.

UberSoldat is a german word literally translated as Super-Soldier. I first heard of it when I played a First-Person-Shooter computer game, Return to Castle Wolfenstein. One of the characters was called Uber Soldat for obvious reasons. Still the name did not catch with me because I saw myself as "Xander", a nick I frequently used when I chatted on IRC. That only came about when I was enlisted because I was slowly but surely being turned into a soldier even if I still did not like that idea. But as you can see, I caught on with the Army and I realised I needed to find a new nickname because many things that had civilian connotations was steadily losing meaning including my old nick 'Xander'. After initally struggling with Army life and feeling rather 'lost', I started liking the Army, I decided it was time to call myself 'UberSoldat'. I am not exactly super in any sense but I know I had the determination to overcome anything. In my own right, that was a super fact. It was no mean feat that I got through it.

Calling myself that certainly had given many people the wrong idea about me. For many it was a no-brainer that soldat sounded like soldier so it most probably meant soldier. Hence the label 'Army Freak' as some would have given. I have even heard of others calling me wierd. As always, I do not give a damn about what anyone says, eventhough, it got to me intially when people who were close to me started to notice I had changed too much for them to handle. The change in my character was on a fundamental level. Most of the values I learnt before being enlisted was either thrown out or changed, although some were strengthened. My agressiveness often caught people by surprise and that ever serious look coupled with the 'thousand-yard-stare' did not make things easier for people to grasp the person that I was becoming. From my parents to my best friends to the girls I dated, UberSoldat Najib is a handful. Most thought that a tone-down in my character would be a miracle in itself. Sill I did manage to do so WITHOUT much help from people who I need the most. It does not help that I get labelled as a slave who follows orders without question even if it means sure death. Then again most people do not get to experience Army life, hence the Soldiering concept is something they will never fully understand even if soldiers like me explain it a thousand times.

All that does not matter now because I at least have one every important person to accept Najib is all his forms. Something even Ida, Shidah, Yani or Ain, could never do. They can never accept that. My Blood-Brothers also fall flat on that part. Something that is truly sad considering I actually know some of them for more than 15 years. I obviously cannot expect so much from my parents because they already have given so much. Having Farhanah understand is like being free of having to pretend that I am a civilian when almost my whole being is of a soldier. That is something I would truly treasure about her.

I offer no apologys to anyone about the person I am right now. It is of my own choice. If I can respect the choices you have made as a mature working adult, I am sure you would be able to return the favour. Being the person that I am at the moment was something I never planned or intended. Somehow it just happened. I am sure many of you know well enough that I always wanted to stay the same and change nothing about my life. Unfortunately, anything you plan in life will never go as intended because in the end it is Allah's call. If this clubbing, drinking and non-virgin Najib is too much for you to fathom, so be it. I am getting sick and tired of pretending. I do not need to prove anything to anyone. I have always given a 100% to anyone and everything I have done. It is all up to each and everyone of you to accept. I need not say who you are. You know who I am refering to. Take offence from these words if you want to, because I do not care.

The one person that I need in life has already made her presence known. The key person I need to carry on with life as I overcome this difficult period in my career and all the other challenges that will come my way. Still do not consider I am disowning the people who are close to me. I still need my family and friends. Consider it a wake-up call. Like what I used to say to uncooperative subordinates, 'Eh Hello! Can wake-up your fucking idea or not?!'. I still find it amazing that more than two years in the Army could undo what took more than 20 years to shape my being. All I can say is that is the Grace of Allah. Frankly I am glad I am the person I am right now because 'Xander' Najib would never be able to go through this. In Army talk that would be "He will fucking die!".

ReCoGn|t|oN...

2008-07-15T13:23:00.001+08:00

I am beginning to see why I have Farhanah in my life now. Maybe Allah knows my work problems are beginning to be too much of a handful for me to handle and I need to have some peace of mind in having someone to support me as I venture further into the adult world. For an outspoken person like myself, I curiously follow orders without question while at work. That can attributed to my military training but it can also be said that I do not want to appear unable to tackle any challenges at work. But that is beside the point at this moment. Work is becoming frustrating place because of the seemingly lack of recognition from my superiors. I honestly do not care about awards but some simple recognition that I have been doing a lot this while would definitely suffice. Their failure to recognise my efforts have resulted in less than satisfactory payouts of my bonus and annual increment. What is more frustrating is the fact that I had served under the toughest disciplinarians in the Army and they DID NOT FAIL to notice the effort I put in. The results I produce may have not been up to scratch but at least my superiors in the Army know that I give my heart and soul to anything that I do. It stumps me when I realise that the civilian world was supposed to be a nicer place than the Army. Then again I cannot force people to believe in something they refuse to believe like how civilians will never recognise the sacrifices made by a soldier. They just will NEVER realise it no matter how much we talk about it. I am just thankful I at least have Farhanah to understand that important bit about myself.

w|tH y0u...w|tH y0u...w|tH y0u...

2008-06-24T15:52:00.000+08:00

As I continue with this new phase in my life, I learn again many things that have been long forgotten regarding relationships. I keep on stating true acceptance, yet I somehow forgot what it actually meant. I say that because I still find it somewhat unbelievable that I have found someone that actually truly accepted me for everything that I am. The lady that I am with actualy embraces my soldier-side. I was so touched when she said the memories will always be fresh in my mind because it is all inside my heart. She just quietly held onto my hand I reminisced about my army past. Her smile means so much to me. I know only time will only tell to what extent my newfound love does accept me, but it does not seem to be too far- fetched to say so. Everything just seems to fit into place. On top on that, the feeling is not euphoric but a much-awaited sense of relieve that one feels when everything seems to finally fall into place after a long struggle. At this moment, Allah only knows how glad I am. The journey has certainly been long and hard. Emotional crisis after emotional crisis. Always picking myself up again and again. The despair has led me to almost giving up on a few occasions. It was always a good thing to have really good friends in your hour-of-need. Now all I want to say is my life is complete.

Th|s s3aRcH MaY EnD HeRe...

2008-06-07T00:28:00.000+08:00

There is nothing more to say about my struggle to move on with my life. I have discussed about it countless times. Still I may never be able to fathom Allah's Grace because He has never failed me when I need Him the most. There is a saying that good things will come to those who wait. Unfortunately patience has never been one of my virtues; but my faith has never wavered. I always knew it was a matter of time before I would meet someone who would truly understand the man that I am. The soldier side and every facet of my personality; no matter how complicated it all may be. I am always glad that I am able to meet people who are ready to give advice about life and I would credit those people for helping me go through the rough patches in my life. At this moment I dare not say I have met someone who would become my wife but at least I would dare say this woman has about everything I wanted in a woman. Only time will tell if she can fulfill the tall task of being the woman behind this man. Too many before her have failed miserably therefore I would let time takes its course to see if she has the staying power to be my ideal partner. I will try to brace myself for any eventuality. All that said I always believed that the moment should be enjoyed while it lasts. And I am grateful to Allah for allowing me to meet someone truly special like Farhanah. Little did I know that a woman I met on mIRC would be my new girlfriend. While most of my friends would advice against meeting anyone from mIRC, let alone being their boyfriend; I was not about to ignore that option. Sometimes I wonder why I can still have hope when I have been disappointed countless times before. Maybe it is just my character; but I know for sure it is the Will of God. I am glad that for the current positive turn of events in my life because it has given me a fundamentally strong reason for me to move on with my life. For once I did not have to fall back on my memories or hope that anyone of them would come back to me. Even as I write these words the sense of disbelief still exists within me and I am actually struggling to come to terms that I actually met someone that I could love and accept me truly for who I am. It did not matter that she was not the most attractive woman I have met, I know that she is honest and sincere; even if I have just met her. I was so touched when she said that I was her soldier. Never has someone said that. I was also glad that she was concerned about my emotional well-being. Actually I am feeling more relieved than ecstatic, the feeling that one gets when he blessed with something wonderful. Somehow I feel that the wait and struggling was all worth it. Like when I received my chevrons, all the blood, sweat and tears did not matter anymore. The life's lessons learned would always be valuable as I face the future with this truly special special whose name is Farhanah.

tHy sHaLL n0t b3 d3f3aTeD...

2008-05-20T13:14:00.000+08:00

There are moments while I am clubbing that I suddenly realize that the dance floor has become my world. That would be unthinkable five years ago. Although I have come to accept the man I have become and learned to disregard what others think of me even if they are the ones who are close to me, I cannot help but ask myself if I have truly become a person that I once swore never to become. Even what I did when I was still in polytechnic could not measure to what I have done in the past few years, one of them being losing my virginity. Add drinking and smoking to it; and bingo; the change is almost complete. I say almost because I still believe I am still the same person I was before I was introduced to the mess of adult life. A close friend commented on my previous blog entry. She said that I should learn to 'love' again because I seem to have the tendency to measure other woman's 'love' with the way Ida 'loved' me. Her comment does come as a surprise considering that I actually do believe have learned not to compare girls that I date with Ida. Maybe in some ways I still compare them to Ida. It is quite hilarious to think of Ida as the standard bearer for how women should love me. It makes me beg to differ when I think of the circumstances where she left me. One of the circumstances where I was facing the possibility of cancer. Another would be the time where I was serving my country. Two important turning points in my life and she was absent when I needed her the most. Still I can never forget many things about this woman. I can only put her in a special place in my heart; a last vestige of a once happy time in my life. I will continue to stubbornly hold on to those memories.

sTaBb3D...

2008-04-28T00:47:00.001+08:00

The recent episode of oversight on my part is still fresh in my mind. I still find myself struggling to come to terms with it. A girl that I was dating read the earlier blog and thought it was crap that I did not care about the money. Maybe I do care about the money but it hurts more that my sincerity and generousity was taken for granted. A close of mine had strongly advised me to take a hard stand on women who did not take me seriously. I always thought that was not neccessary but now I am beginning to think it is. I seriously hate to deny that there was not any truth to what he said. Women just cannot be trusted nowadays; especially those who have supposedly stable carrers. Women my friend would describe as "Ada Standard". He said women who worked in blue collared jobs actually are the ones who make better girlfriends and maybe wives; because they are the ones who are truly sincere. Practically everyone that I know keeps telling me to look for someone who has a good heart. I am starting to think that I failed to include that in my list. I am also starting to think that I place too much emphasis on attractiveness. I, myself, a victim of falling for looks instead of looking for the all important 'heart' factor. Maybe I am not as deep as I thought, but as shallow as any other player who looks for women to get a one-night stand.

Somehow to add insult to injury I have to deal with the internal conflicts that is happening with my performing arts group. It is as though I did not have enough on my mind. The whole situation has made me all furious and I cannot act rationally. Right now I just feel like 'killing' the kid who started this whole mess. Of course in the Army, I would know how to deal with these type of people. This is the civilian world; afterall; and I have to act professionally. That brings me to another issue. It makes me wonder if the world is meant to be screwed up and it is up to people like me who believe in doing the right thing to make everything right. It just sucks so much that so many people are starting to not believe in values and principles that should define the human race. It is just so damn fucking tiring. I hate all this bullshit crap thing called politics. Oh yeah, honesty is just a word. I forgot about that small little detail.

I wonder how long I can last being strong. I seriously feel like I just do not want to stop crying. The fruitlessness and pointlessness of everything is getting to me. I am a soldier at heart but then again I am human. I am human. I might just crumble one day.

sTaBb3D...

2008-04-28T00:47:00.000+08:00

s0uLmAt3...

2008-04-18T00:18:00.001+08:00

When Nora came into my life more than seven years ago, I learned a painful lesson about blind faith. It was one of the many turning points in my life that defined the person that I am today. And right now, I have ignored the lesson learned from that episode in my life. At the end of it, I realized that I have undone the painstaking effort that I took to get on with my life. Losing a sum of money to this woman could not be compared to the emotional pain that I am feeling right now. I do not care about the money. It is just how things had turned out. It is just so depressing that the real world can be such a mean place. Sometimes doing the right thing does not have a place in this world. Being a nice guy means people are eager to take advantage of you. Worst of all, sincerity and honesty are merely words that represent virtues that fewer and fewer people are having.

It took a consisderable effort getting to where I am right now in spite of the setbacks that I have experienced. But none of them could have compared to what I had just went through; even if it was a three day affair. I am a man who lives by his principles and what happened just was not right in principle. Whatever I have said or did was all in vain. It did not matter to her that I was sincere about helping her. It did not matter to her that I had strong feelings for her. She just used all of it to her advantage so that she could be a few hundred dollars richer.

Right now, I am fighting hard to forgive myself for placing so much blind faith in her, making an uncalculated risk, making a misinformed decision. Like I said before, this is not the first time I am going through this. I should have saw this coming considering the loopholes that was so plainly obvious for me to see. I had to believe that everything that she said was true in a world where righteousness is dying by the minute and honesty is nothing but a word. Well, the damage has already been done. There is really no use talking about it. As always all I can do is get on with my life. What I need to do right now is to get myself out of this rut, before it starts to affect other aspects of my life.

c0n5|d3r D b3sT Wh3n w3 f3Lt Th3 w0rSt...

2008-04-16T16:57:00.001+08:00

I do not know if I have said this too soon but it does not matter. I am just putting what is happening to me right now into perspective. After what happened to me earlier yesterday, I had a small conversation with the Almighty, as I always do when I want to thank Allah. Like I said only time will tell if things will turn out well but I am just enjoying the moment while it last. What am I talking about? I am talking about falling in love. It has been a while since I was in a relationship. I had met a few women who showed potential but it did not work out. I have to admit it was tough going through life day to day as I have always reflected in my earlier blogs. Lately I decided to take things a step further by deciding to play harder. It made me forget how lonely I was or maybe I had finally learned to accept that being lonely is just part and parcel of life. Of course the strength to do so could only come from the Almighty. I am always grateful for that because it allows me to focus on other things in life that are important like my career. Still the latest twist of events begs me to ask myself if I had found someone that can finally make me a happy man. She sounds almost too good to be true. I hate that feeling; the feeling that I have something or someone that is good but somehow at the back of my head; I keep telling myself that she would ultimately drop the other shoe. That would mean I am back to reality. The reality that I am a long way from making my existence an all rounded one where I am happy. Well at least I do know that I am capable of getting myself of a depressed state and get on with my life. Like a soldier marching to his objective. That is what I will do.

D w0rsT hAs n0t b3eN r3aL|z3d...
2008-04-07T12:58:00.000+08:00

I honestly do not know if it was down to sheer luck, a concerted effort from everyone involved or divine intervention that the musical I was acting in turned out better than anyone had expected. From the word 'go' almost a year ago, this musical was facing numerous problems that I would not mention here. After all I am not the type who bothers himself with all these nonsense called politics. Still I am somewhat annoyed that people keep thinking that I am orchestrating a powerplay; something that I am perfectly able to do if people start pushing the wrong buttons. My intentions, however, were to gain experience and knowledge. Maybe it is not wrong to believe that doing the right thing is truly dead and buried. Anyway, considering the progress that we made for the musical, it can be said that the positive outcome was a blessing in itself. At least from my point of view, it was better than any of the rehearsals that we made. I did not even expect myself to be able to perform that well. I managed to project my voice using my diaphragm. I realised that I had successfully projected my voice when one of my friends who was operating the lights from a room near the roof of the hall said that he could hear me clearly. I could not help but agree because my throat did not feel strained. It can be said that many of my fellow performers had managed to deliver a very good performance. So I guess my words did go a long way. It was tough when my harsh wake-up call was not well received but my conscience was clear. I did what I had to do even if they were not willing to give my advice a thought. I did what I could to guide those who were willing to listen and they gave a brilliant performance too. As I have said earlier, divine intervention or otherwise, I am just glad it turned out better than I had expected. Politics aside, everyone had pulled their weight and gave their best. I could have not ask for anything more. I would dare say this is one of the better performances of my acting career. Like when I received my chevrons, all the blood, sweat and tears was truly worth the effort.

tY|nG d Kn0t...

2008-04-01T13:05:00.000+08:00

I can safely say that almost 25 percent of the people that I know who are around my age are about to get married or are already married. Of course that can be just a statistic that I can just conveniently ignore. Somehow there is mounting pressure by the people around me that I should also tie the knot. A early as a few years ago, the pressure was not there. Perhaps at that time I was still serving my NS and a stable job was still in the distant future. Now I am gainfully employed and I have arrived at that age where I should be considering starting a family. The thought was already in my mind even before others started throwing me the question. The difference now is that it has been become increasingly difficult to put it aside; especially when my father is becoming worried that I have yet to find anyone that can fit the bill. He had suggested someone who happens to be a niece of a close family friend. On a first look, she definitely looks like someone who would make a good wife. But it does not take a genius to know that I am not exactly a decent guy that her aunt thinks I am. It is no secret that I am enjoying my bachelorhood; especially with my comfortable pay. Lately I have been 'playing harder', i.e. going to clubs, something I have not done in a long while. That was after I decided I had enough of waiting for women who easily took me for granted. It was time to enjoy the fact that I was single and not committed to any relationships. It did help that I realised that going to clubs or pubs did not mean that I had to be all-out drunk to loosen up. Being tipsy was enough to get things going and after finding the right formula for fun, I was suddenly game for more. I also decided that it was time to really try and be more easy going. Honestly I was already feeling that I was loosening up; which took a lot of effort. Casual dating was indeed more fun than actually aiming for a one serious relationship because I was putting myself in a more prime position by having more options. That obviously does not mean I am thinking of being a player. It was never my style nor my intention because at the end of the day I was still looking for someone whom I can have a meaningful relationship with. I still wanted to find someone who could tie the knot with me. We all know who I want to be with but unfortunately I am not part of their plans.

d3aR nAj|b...

2008-03-11T16:47:00.001+08:00

I know the date of this entry does not tally with the time I started my relationship with Farhanah. I actually started writing it early in 2008 around the same time this entry is dated, but I only managed to complete it when I finally got together with Farhanah. Perhaps I was and still some time away from being able to forgive myself.

Dear Najib,

I assume I need not mention how many times I have tried to write this letter to myself. There is just too many things to write. Too many points to argue upon. Too many reasons about why I should be happy about life and probably, just as many reasons why I am not happy with life. This time lets finish this and maybe, just maybe you can learn to forgive yourself once and for all. You may think everything is OK now because Farhanah is around, but what about the other side of the coin. What if she never came into your life? We know well enough how you would be like right now. When you first got this idea from a Tickle.com Test Report, you thought it was a crazy idea, but at that time you were crazy enough to try anything. Reason being life challenges was starting to get to you. You just cannot push aside that loneliness. You were already facing so much crap at work that you just needed to have someone to talk to. Someone in the same mold as Ida. It is exactly the same feeling you had in the army only now you are in a different environment. It does not help that the much fabled 'nice civilian world' is actually a worse off place than the army. The fact that you were reeling from one too many unsuccessful hook-ups was adding salt to the wound. As with many things that has happened in your life, somehow Allah will always answer your prayers. A bit overdue but Farhanah came to your life just in time to prevent you from tipping over. As you search your soul to write this letter, you realize that things happened for a reason. Finally all seemed to fall into place in the last few months. Still you cannot be too sure that everything is set in stone. You know well enough nothing ever goes according to plan. You have to be ready for the future. You have been through the toughest challenges you have faced in your life. You keep telling yourself nothing will ever beat your army experience. Are you sure about that? You have not set foot into married life and eventually fatherhood. All that you have been through is just the beginning. You can be sure that there will be more to come. Many good people have given you plenty of good advice. From MWO Phang to SSG Ng, they have given you pointers that have served you well as you try to once again assimilate into the civilian world. You must realize that this is where you earn your bread and butter. I think Allah has made it clear that you will not have a career in the army other than doing your reservist. Your ICTs can only serve as a momentary getaway like clubbing is. You need to learn to adapt more to the harsh reality of the civilian world. You need to learn to forgive others for failing to understand you as a soldier. They will never understand what it means to be in the jungles. Right now, just tell yourself that you have served this country with a sincere heart. Keep reminding yourself of what you have gained in character because you served in the army. You are reaping in the benefits of having a strong and determined mindset. You know well enough that many do not have this mindset and that puts them at a disadvantage. My dear friend, you need to remember that many things in the world are the way they are because it was meant to be. You will never know every reason behind how things are the way they are. You cannot reject the reality of life because it will force you to take notice at the end of the day. Nothing in this world is perfect. No matter how hard you try to make things right, things will always go wrong. After all this is not heaven, this is Earth, remember? At least you can take consolation from the fact that you know why your life turned out the way it is right now. You have to admit that it is not as bad as you thought it would be. For everything that you had thought that did not turned out well, at least things eventually fell into place. Just ask yourself how do you feel right now. That nagging voice that wanted Ida back is now gone. You can now honestly say that you can put the loneliness aside and who said you would turn down a challenge if someone or something threw you one. There is nothing wrong with being a perfectionist but you need to accept that somethings are just the way it is meant to be for reasons you may or may not know. By having Farhanah now in your life, many things have changed. You are now about to embark into the next phase of your life. You cannot forget what you have learned all these years. They will serve as your guide as you face many many more challenges. Never forget that things will only get tougher and one problem is never same as another. While nothing is set in stone, you should still plan your future as best as you can. Do not forget to hope for the best. Things will turn out fine eventually. Even you can testify to that. Whether or not you are soldier that is out of place, this civilian world is your reality. You will assimilate to it someday. Defeat was never an option. It will never be. Moreover, you never thought of yourself as someone who is defeated, only beaten And that means you can and you will fight anothetr day. Never forget that soldier.

YoursTruly,
Najib (Yourself)

wHaT |t TaKe5...

2008-03-03T09:39:00.000+08:00

I often ask myself what would it take to finally move on with my life. It has been more than eight years since I took my first steps as a young adult when I entered Temasek Polytechnic. It was also during that period that I have met women that would affect my life tremendously. Before I entered the life of a working adult, I had to endure NS; another life changing episode. As I puffed away at my cigarette a few days ago, I thought about the staggering statistics of my life. How many years ago this happened and how many years ago that happened. I realized that everything and everyone in my life has moved on. Even my own career has moved on, in spite of the difficulties I faced. Of course, I owe that to the grace of the Almigthy. I also realized at that point that emotionally I was still stuck at the turn of the century. Physically, academically and professionally I was moving on. Personally was a different matter altogether. I always thought the answer to that question lay in finding another person to replace the one that left. But experience has taught me that it was never always the answer. In fact it just compounds the problem, most of the time. So I try to recall what my counsellor had told me before. She said that life was always a struggle and achieving one's objectives came only with hard work and determination. A close friend of mine also said almost the same thing. She mentioned that moving on was about having the will power. The will power. I learned about that the hard way during my time in the army. Like always, everything about myself nowadays is somehow inextricably linked to the army. Many questions remained unanswered. Too many pieces of a puzzle that just does not fit.

p3rMaNeNt DoWnGrAd3...

2008-02-15T18:04:00.000+08:00

I was at my old camp's medical centre for a medical review. I was looking for an extension to the excuse I had been given a few months earlier. But I was pleasantly surprised when the Medical Officer decided that I would be further reviewed by a medical board to determine if my PES status be permanently downgraded. Of course that I was not my idea in the first place. I still want to serve in a combat capacity. I still need my ICTs to serve as an outlet to escape from the harsh civilian world. My colleagues thought I was wasting a good opportunity to avoid wasting valuable time to ICTs. When I heard the music from the Change-of-Command Parade as I was about to enter the gates of my camp, it was enough to remind how much I miss the army. I know I did not want to miss one of the few things in life that had real and tangible meaning. I really hope medical board does not decide to downgrade me.

|'LL b3 HeR3 f|gHt|nG f0r3v3r...

2008-01-22T16:10:00.000+08:00

I was doing one of those dumb surveys on Friendster earlier. The questions were about what I planned to do this year. It is kind of wierd that 2008 does not feel like a new year. There seems to be nothing to be looking forward to. During my days in NS, I would be looking forward to the all important ORD but now that I am back as a civilian; the world is not as rosy as I thought it would be. Maybe now I have more money to waste; but it is not easy earning that money. Expectations are much higher and different now, especially when people do not appreciate someone who is rigid. After the incident where I had a quarrel with my friends, somehow or rather I am coming to terms with the fact that civilians will always view the Army and NS as just that; something male Singaporeans have to do. Boys who have to fulfill a requirement as citizens of this country. Nothing more; nothing less. Maybe somewhere inside my head, I have all but give up wishing that people would see soldiers differently because I cannot deny the fact that they will not understand it until they have been through it. It is mere consolation that I am more ready to face challenges now because it has become more vital that I tone down my temperament and rigidity and at the same time exercise more patience. The Specialist Creed and SAF's 7 Core Values certainly have no place in civilian life.

Specliast Creed
I am a Specialist of the S'pore Army;
With pride I lead;
I excel in my Specialist Field;
I ensure the discipline of my Men;
And readiness of their equipment;
I overcome adversity with my Fighting Spirit;
I will defend S'pore with my life!

SAF 7 Core Values
Loyalty to Country;
Leadership;
Discipline;
Professionalism;
Fighting Spirit;
Ethics;
Care for Soldiers!

Those words are burned into my head because I used shout to them out everyday; almost without fail.

Anyways, do you care about that bit of information?
I think not.

SuRv|vAL |nSt|nCt...

2007-12-26T15:45:00.000+08:00

I thought a bit about why I turned out to be such a cold and harsh person while I smoking a while ago. I realized it was just my survival instinct doing its work as I try to deal with the real world. Being the person I am right now seemed to work well for me because I often used be discouraged or disheartened easily when things go wrong. Nowadays it is difficult for me to be affected emotionally by anything unless I allow myself to be. Maybe it is because I am more determined and confident now than I was before. Maybe I am now more than ever determined not to be on the losing end of any situation; be it personal or professional. Honestly I did not mean to be the way I am now; Cold, methodical and calculative to a teeth. It just the way I react to life or maybe it is just the shock of suddenly having to deal with the realities of life as an adult. Whatever the reason behind my being, somewhere inside of me I know I cannot afford to let things get to me too often. Focus has becomed so important to me that I would easily get angry at myself for even losing it for even a moment; like when I miss a kick or serve during a Takraw game. I know this is tacky but I still remember the words that Oracle said in Matrix Revolutions; "It is up to you to make up your damn mind!" Maybe it is stupid to take a sound bite from a movie character but she had a good point. I realized we always have a choice in life and it is really how we make it to be. So I sense there is no point in undoing what I have become but utilise what I already have in myself and make the best out it; especially when these newfound abilities gives me a bit of edge to deal with life's challenges. Everything in life comes with a price so maybe what I have now makes me more harsh and colder. Maybe that is why my dad looks like nothing can hurt him but deep down I know he is hurting because I am feeling it right now. We put these walls around us for a good reason. It is because we cannot afford to be weak when so much is in the balance. To one and all please forgive me, if I am blunt, unforgiving, harsh, cold and egoistic. I will try to tone it down and I will forever be grateful if you take the time and effort to find out what lies behind those walls. Even if I keep telling you I see myself as a soldier, please know that I have to be because I will not see myself as anyone else. Especially the old Najib. He died a long time ago, on 6 June 2004.

h3r3 I aM...

2007-12-19T00:00:00.001+08:00

With the advent of having Ena in my life, moving on seems like a much simpler endeavour. Quite a while ago, while I was daydreaming on my way home, I saw myself standing before the most important women in my life. I said nothing to them. I was gradually changing from my civilian self to a cropped-head recruit and then a sergeant with a green beret. I saluted them before I made an marched off. As I marched off, I changed to person I am right now. I did not know why I had such a 'vision'. Maybe it was because I have met someone to give me a good reson to move on with my life even if the outcome remains to be seen. Still it was something significant to me because before I had seen myself reaching helplessly for the women that mattered so much to me; only to sink deeper into an emotional abyss. I could only struggle to keep myself afloat in the water.

seriously do not why I am writting this blog entry. Perhaps I am just overcomed by the emotions that resurfaced after listening to a Scorpions' song. I am not sure when I first heard it but I got to know about the song when a friend sang it during one of our karaoke sessions. It is a beautiful song eventhough glam rock is not really my type of music. Maybe the lyrics represented my fruitless attempt at gaining something that was never mine to be in the first place, no matter how much I tried to present myself to the people that once mattered to me. Here I am but do you want me back? Pathetic as that may sound, it represented the hope that I once had and still habour what little of it that is left.

As always I am feeling a little depressed because the pressure of my work and personal life is getting to me. It is truly difficult to be strong 99 percent of the time. Honestly I feel like giving up sometimes

fAr Fr0m c3rTa|n...

2007-11-30T21:21:00.000+08:00

My renewed resolve to move on with my life can be partly attributed to the timely words of the woman I am dating moment. However, I have realised that some aspects of my life are still far from certain and many issues remained to be resolved. The woman I am dating at the moment shows promise because she has 'bravely' undertook the challenge of finding out who I really am and try to loosen up my rigid personality. I would call her brave because many before her have failed. They are stumped by how I can become so rigid and harsh. At a flip of a coin, I can become one of the nicest person they have ever met. That obviously unsettles them as my unpredictability drives them up the wall with emotional highs and lows. Whether that makes me an enigma or just plain annoying, it does not matter at all to me. You know I do not care about what people say; even if I am myself baffled at how unpredictable I can be. All I need is just someone or something to trigger it; and my rigidness and harshness will take a life of its own. I bet at this moment anyone who is reading this would already dismiss me as some nutcase. As with anything that has to do with my life, I try to use whatever that I have to my advantage even if the trait that I have is a negative one. One example is my stubborness, I interpret it as my determination and will to succeed in life. Again I find myself going in circles when I type these words because I find myself repeating almost the same thing over and over again. Love and happiness is always far from certain for me because I know all good things will come to an end. Whether I am crazy or not, and whether if any woman out there willing to look beyond what they see and seek out the true man that I am; I have to just to keep on believe that hapiness is out there. I just have to look for it.

aPaThY...

2007-11-26T19:01:00.000+08:00

At this age and time, most things do not come as a surprise to me. The apathy, cynicism and sarcasm of the everyday life in this day and age has somehow become the norm. I used to believe that the ugly side of the human race existed on TV and in movies. Of course that was when I was younger, because little did I know that what was on the screen actually mirrored reality; even if the movies and TV shows tended to exagerrate things a little bit. The same also can be said about the idealism that is showed; it is all just bullshit. Nowadays, it is rare that I find people who actually share the same set of values that I believe in. Maybe I have not looked hard enough or the others have already lost 'steam'. Whatever it is, I just find it sickening that values that I was indoctrinated with during my time in NS, is just a load of crap in the outside world. Loyalty to country? I bet most of my countrymen would not even have a second thought about leaving this country at the first sign of trouble. I do not even see any nationalistic pride that I used to see when I was younger. All I see from them is just plain apathy and utter ungratefulness about how comfortable life is in Singapore. I still remember when SM Goh once metioned about his goal to make Singapore a more gracious society by 1999. Yeah, right! It is already 2007 and all I see are Singaporeans who are becoming more and more consumed about their search for material wealth; and pushing EVERYTHING else aside. Ok maybe I am just raving on and on because I am getting too caught up in the rat race. Time to just suck it up and move on.

Bu|Lt To La5t...

2007-11-20T12:18:00.000+08:00

Closure came in the form of the woman I am dating at the moment, instead of the women that I should getting closure from: my ex-girlfriends. I actually thought of doing so for quite some time; but somehow I did not come around to do it. When I finally did it, only Shidah could be reached, while Ida decided to ignore my messages and calls. She probably feels it was a ploy to get her back. But it seems uneccessary now that I have met someone that could understand me on a level that I wanted. She has become the first woman in a long time to actually say that I had indeed changed for the better. Of course that came after I told her about what I did during my time in poly. It came as no surprised that she said I was a jerk because I agree. She was also right to say that I had underestimated my capacity to change and my emotional strength. It was something I had always told myself but it somehow never got to my head. As always I needed someone to tell me that. Still with that realization, I was glad that my past was now the 'past'. It has been a long time since I could sincerely say that I was not being held back my past. Now I feel I am in the present and definitely a part of the future.

For the first time in a long time, I did NOT want to be a part of any of my ex-girlfriends' lives: Ida, Shidah, Yani or Ain.

Finally I can move on with my life.

Finally I am starting to see myself as Najib.

Not anymore 3SG Najib.

Four years in the making.

I went through so much hell because I refused to learn things the easy way. I had to have my ego batterred by the Army because I think that was the only way the Almighty could get what He wanted me to realize into my head. I did deserve to go through my NS alone. I needed to realise that life was about sacrifices and doing the right thing; even if you do not feel like doing it. And in spite of struggling through it, I did manage to survive what I considered the most difficult challenge of my life. I did gain a lot from my experience, especially about how I could become a better person. I cannot remember who told me this: 'God won't ask you to do something that you can't do'; but he is right. I am glad that good things happened in my life because I always know Allah will give me what I need. Even if I do not realize that it is what I need at that moment; because eventually I would. And right now, I am glad I have someone that I can call a companion. Even if she is not the one, I give her credit for helping me make the small steps that I needed to move on with my life and that is what I NEED at this moment in life.

cAn'T sHaK3 |t...

2007-11-06T16:50:00.001+08:00

On sunday I went on a Raya Outing with a girl I am dating at the moment. It was an interesting and eye-opening experience for me because it was quite a while since I was out with people who were more than a few years younger than me. The difference in level of maturity and outlook in life was marked different. I did feel a little awkward being around them mainly because it was not the usual type of people I would hang-out with. Don't get me wrong. I was not looking down on them. Can't blame them for behaving such a way. I was 19 once; so there's no doubt I was a long way from learning the harsh reality of life at that age. Anyways, it was a good thing that I was a good actor so there was no problem talking to them. They did however remarked that I was a little stuck-up. No surprises there. It was no secret that I did not like how they carried themselves in public with the language they use; even if I did not show it. As always being someone who was at my age, guys like me can't help but portray an 'Abang-Abang' image even if it was not intented. But I was grateful Mareena was with me. By the way she was the one who 'coerced' me to accompany her on this outing. Nevertheless, it was not all boredom. We had alot to talk about especially about how dumb her friend's significant other was. HeHeHeHe... No offence to him. I'm sure he is a nice guy in spite of what I had heard about him.

But what was truly eye-opening about that day was how the day ended. Honestly I didn't feel lonely that day because Ena was always by my side keeping me company. We connected well with each other so there was no problem talking to her. At the end of day, Ena accompanied me for a while as I made my way back to the MRT station. Before we parted, she asked me for a kiss. Nothing wrong with that. We are dating anyways. I didn't know why I wanted her to hug me after that. Maybe my loneliness had dawned on me again after hiding itself in the far reaches of my heart. Ena thought I just wanted a friendly hug so the embrace was a brief one. At that point, I asked her to continue hugging me because I was already getting emotional. Loneliness always showed itself with a bang and I was really trying hard not to cry. She obviously had notice I was already moving to tears; so I gave up trying to be 'man' and fight off my tears.

On my home, Ena and I had a heart to heart talk on what happened earlier. She definitely had connected with me on a different level. I was surprised that she did. I honestly did not expect anything from her on an emotional level. I was happy that she was just as intellectual as I am; so it was a plus that she had opened me up. Something most women I date fail to do or are just too scared to do. It does not take long for anyone to realise how complicated I am. Certainly it has turned off some of the women that I dated. I was glad that it didn't scare ena. At least for now. I layed my cards on the table by asking her if she had the neccessary patience, determination and will to be with someone like me. She agreed to take up the challenge and I'm glad that she did. I was glad she had a good understanding of the man that I am. Again, something many women have miserably failed to achieve.

At this moment, it is still difficult for me to shake off my depression. The monotony and scale of my work does not do any favours to my backlog of negative emotions. I think I need to ride out this phase. As always I will be fine.

D g0oD oLd DaYs...

2007-11-01T12:37:00.002+08:00

The past two days were full of emotions. I gave one my buddies and understudy from NS a call on Tuesday because I would be returning to Clementi Camp for my medical review the next day. He suggested that I came over to our branch's BBQ and chalet. It was great seeing him again that as I had so many things to share with him after I had ORD for more than a year. From midnight to later, plenty of issues dawned on me. My friend was enyoing his civilian life. He seemed to assimilate back to society seemlessly unlike yours truly. He earned good money just from tutoring kids, while he furthered his studies. It was interesting to see that he used his time in NS to get his connections and it didn't look like NS was anything more than another phase in his life. Maybe I didn't know him well enough, but still It was good to see him again. It was good to see someone who understood how I thought and I felt because we went through the same hell of army. Observing him made me realise that being back in the army may not make myself happy as I thought because my happiness is about how I make out my life to be.

The following day was a frustrating at Clementi Medical Centre. I was given only three months of excuse from doing IPPT. I tried to explain to the Medical Officer that my doctor had said it would take at least six months for my shoulder to heal. That was when he said it was in directive that the maximum he could give was three months. I spent $14 getting to camp because I thought I was late only to be given that. Nevermind...

Later I met one of my old superiors. My colleagues and friends refer to him as 'Boss'; out of respect of course. Obviously he did command respect. He really knew his stuff and how to deal with people. This man would actually go out of his way to help his men. I was glad to be one of them. The level of professionallism he demonstrated was definitely something to be admired. He was always a father-figure; but he gave good and sound advice. I really miss working for someone like him. Sad to say none my superiors I work with nowadays could match up to him. You could say I wanted to return to the army because I wanted to work with people like him. The only thing I hated about him was his temperament. He also was famed for his short-fused and no doubt I was at the wrong end of it on many occasions. 'Boss' and I took the opportunity to catch up on what was happening in our lives since I ORD. I also seek advice from him about some of the lingering issues I had at the moment.

On my way home, I really thought about how it felt like when I was in the army. It was hard to resist thinking back on the experiences I had went through. It just made me wished I was wearing my smart four again. Although now I miss it, generally there was no diffirence on how lonely I felt either when I was a soldier or now as a civilian. My dad had a surprise for me when I got back, I thought we were having some financial problems. It turned out that my parents had found 'someone' suitable for me. My father said the girl was the daughter of a close family friend. My grandmother was close to that woman. The woman also thought highly of me. Yes, I know it sounds wierd. Anyways, the daughter is obviously someone who plays by the rules by the way she looks. She is presentable and little chubby. At that point I was still a little surprised that my parents had found a girl for me. Their choice obviously comes as no surprise. Unfotunately they do not really know the person I have become. I won't be exagerating if I said I am the anti-thesis of this girl; no matter how 'safe and stable' I think I am. So my dad asks that I thought it over and maybe seek the opions of my blood brothers. I told him that I will give my answer on saturday.

When I excused myself to my room, I took a good look at the girl's picture. The girl's 'decentness' and hejab reminded me of Ida. That made me even more depressed after thinking so much on my way home from camp. I was thinking about taking a look at Ain's pictures that I had in my laptop. I went over the powerpoint I made for her and it was a tearful moment, where it was difficult to be not be lonely. The slides was my last and maybe desperate attempt at trying to make our relationship work. She left before I could let her see it.

Somethings I feel that I am always settling for second best when I date other women. That is why all the women I had been dating all this while realise how demanding I was. I know I am. I will continue to be. I miss her so much.

UnDo|nG WaT CaNt b3 UnDoN3...

2007-10-30T12:52:00.000+08:00

I was watching the trailer for 'Heroes' A few days ago and found there was a character in the drama who could travel through time. It made me wonder again about what if I could travel through time. As far things go, it seems to be the only solution that could truly make me a happy man right now. But that where was when another 'what if' came to my mind. While I had always wished that I could go back in time and undo one of the biggest mistakes in my life, I could not imagine if my life had turned out differently, at least from that point in my life.

Leaving Idamurni still ranks as one of the stupidest things I ever did, because it lead to many other bad decisions that I deeply regret; like not doing making the best of my poly education. I considered it a gift from Allah that I actually I got my diploma. As I contemplate a life where Ida was still with me, I wondered if I would still turn out to be a clubbing drinker who lost his virginity. Maybe not. She would never let me be this way. I would probably have become a better student who could at least achieve decent grades; because she would be there to support me and guide me all they way. Simply put it, if I had stayed with her, alot of good things could have happened. Maybe I would have turned out to be a happier person. Entering poly was a glimpse into a life of what a working adult would lead and I was already on the fast track to learn what it is like being an adult. Of course it sucks having responsibility especially when you are just 18. Obviously I still did not know the meaning of it; until now. The emotionals high and lows was like a roller coaster ride as I dated quite a few girls. That culminated to an incident which I rather not say; but it made me realise I was making a big mistake. Unfortunately the damage has been done and I never regained her trust. We did try to make it work again a few times later. It never worked again. It just got more complicated.

With my life and head becoming a mess at that time, I tried to forget that I was lonely by trying many new things. A close friend had suggested I tried acting. It was an interesting idea that appealed to me eventhough at that time I was still a shy guy. Yes, once upon a time; Najib was shy. I tried body building because I was as thin as a rake. That was also suggested by another close friend. My best friends also suggested I try Sepak Takraw. Trying the things I have mentioned really made me grow as a person even if they did not prepare me for what I would go through next: NS. But I am glad to say I did gain alot from my experiences and lessons learned. I still love doing those things I have mentioned, except for lifting weights. Because my shoulder is busted.

The more I thought about it, the more I think that maybe things were meant to turn out this way. I realized that I had to go through the difficult experience of NS alone because I had to realise the potential I had as a person and gain the confidence I needed. I love the kind of never say die attitude ad stubborness I have now. It makes me wish I had it earlier so I could really push for better grades in school. There are instances where I imagined if I stood before my 'alternate self' and wondered what I would have been like. I definitely could not stomach seeing myself as a 'goody-two-shoes'. We would almost be the exact opposites. I could have thought long and hard about it but it will always be a 'what if'.

I honestly do not know if I would have turned out better because somehow I always know the path I alone decide the path I would go. And I have chosen this path in life. Maybe the mistakes I have made was the result of my own indecision. Maybe I am sad and lonely at the moment; but it would foolish of me not realise how fortunate I am in spite of things. Learning to be patient and strong in the face of challenges are some of the most difficult lessons I have learned. And I am still learning. And I have to admit, I feel like giving up many times. No, not kill myself. Not my style. At least I know if things do not go my way, it is time to regroup and take a break. On any other day, I would never trade my hard-earned never say die attitude and stubborness.

w|tHoUt 3m0t|0n; WiTh0uT r3m0r5e...

2007-10-29T12:49:00.000+08:00

I went on a Hari Raya Outing with some of my friends from my drama group. It was a fun event overall. I just could not stop laughing. Well at least that was something I could be happy about. The other part of it was frustrating and infuriating.

I have this long-standing crush with a girl who is my co-actor in an upcoming musical. We would be acting as husband and wife in it. It was a good thing initially. A bubbly and cute 18 year old girl. Now tell me who would not like to be in my place. As far as I was concerned, it was a professional relationship until she decided to enhance the chemistry of our characters. Well I would have to give her credit for not being cheap. She did not have to because she was a smart gal who was outgoing. But the way she wanted to enhance our chemistry by being a bit 'touchy' and 'feeling' won me over. I do admit it was a stupid move on my part because it just shows I did not learn my lesson from having a relationship with Ain, someone who was equally young.

Too bad for me because I had already fallen for her. It was fine that she told me that she wanted 'concentrate on her studies'. But it was not fine that she had told me the reason she acted that way when she was around me was to 'enhance our chemistry' as characters in the musical. Her next move really blew plenty of fuses in my head and broke my heart. I do not know if she meant it a good way or she was trying to prove her point when she asked the guy who became her future boyfriend (now ex) to pick her up from drama training.

That lead me to some soul searching. I was trying to figure why this girl just drives me nuts. She did have qualities that were likable but obviously there were other reason(s). It just came to me when I took a good look at her and I realised she looked like Ida. I realised how screwed I was when I hit the jackpot. After proving her point to me, I decided I have enough of this crap. As I always said, I am perfect capable of being a cold and harsh person. And that was what I did until yesterday. I am such a dumb ass for letting my emotions dictate my actions. It was fine when I drew the line with her and being cold. I had to fall for the hints when she broke up with the Mat Rip boyfriend. For someone who wanted to just be my 'friend', she did drop alot of hints or I am just too plain lonely.

Whatever it is. The line is being drawn again. There is a difference between being someone who likes you and being 'just a friend' . This is where I love being 3SG Najib.

Without emotion, Without remorse...

s3cReTs...

2007-10-25T23:23:00.000+08:00

It was somehow fitting that my appointment during my time in the army was as a Training Specialist. It was not a really hush-hush job but I did learn a bit about things that I should have not known in the first place. It is ironic that I myself keep a lot of secrets from the people who are close to me. I still remember the date I had with a girl I met in primary school during the fasting month. My date told me that I kept too many secrets and I should learn to share some of it. She had a good point there. Earlier during the date I wanted to just keep it casual between us as in I did not want to talk about my past or anything related to it. But I started to share with her my past when she started to share her experiences. However I did not share with her the fact that I was still attached when I should be straight with her in the first place; especially when it was obvious she was starting to get attracted to me. At that time, Ain and I were not going anywhere as a couple. In fact I felt more single than attached and adding to it was Ain's decision to make our relationship an open one. So I was fair-game and I could date anyone I wanted. And that became my rationale for not telling the girl the truth. Anyways Ain did eventually end our relationship.

What I am trying to say is that I keep so many things from the people that I care about that all those secrets are starting to chip away at my sanity. I am well aware of the fact that we cannot tell anyone everything about ourselves; even if they are your closest friends or your parents. Still that reality does not go well with my character, as I have always been straightforward about my views, opions and beliefs. That's because when it comes to relationships; I believe my significant other can only grasp the person that I am only when she knows what I went through. From there I can determine if her feelings towards me are honest and sincere, by observing how she reacts to it. This is also where I can see how mature she is.

I find myself in a dillemma when I interact with the people around me. I have realised that people are not as open as you might expect them to be; no matter how close they are to you. I cannot expect my parents to know that I now drink, club and am not a virgin. The fact that they have trouble acceptting that I now smoke just goes to show that they will not accept anything worse than that. I do not blame them for that considering that they did try to give me a good religious education so that I would avoid all this crap in the first place. I also do not have the heart to disappoint them any further considering what a disappointment my sister has become. I have become their only hope in taking care of them. Again I do not resent that responsibility because the taking care of them does give my life some meaning.

It saddens me that my blood brothers do not fully understand what kind of impression the army had on me as a result of my almost two and a half years of service. They are puzzled as to why I became someone who believes so much in fighting for my country when before I enlisted, I was thinking of ways to avoid serving the country. They are also amazed at the transformation that I have made in terms of my character and why my experience in the army just made it more difficult for me to forget Ida and Shidah. It seems like no matter how hard I explain, they would not understand what it feels like to be in the army. After all they were not enlisted into the Army, I was the only one. They were enlisted into the Civil Defence and Police. My assumption would be that they cannot grasp the process of being a soldier, hence never realise what I had been through. I can describe to you here about how it feels like to be at a Live-Firing but you can never feel your chest reverberating when something explodes or a shot is being fired. You can only know the feeling if you were there. Even fewer realise that being in those kind of situations actually does change a man.

It has become painfully obvious that I am just rehashing what has already been said. I sometimes find it sickening if not frustrating that I have to keep explain and repeating myself. All that I can take from what I had been through in the past four years is life will keep on getting more challenging. I can only try to be brave as I take on new challenges. It has also become painfully obvious that I can draw only strength from Allah. Maybe God is trying to show me that He is the One where only I truly draw strength from.

|d3aLiSm...

2007-10-24T12:38:00.000+08:00

I had an engaging conversation with a close friend yesterday. She had issues about her faith and what she would do in the future. Obviously I am one of the worst people to give advice on those 2 topics. Honestly what I had told her yesterday is not something I would consider as advice because at the state that I am at this moment, I am not a person anyone should consider as a good example or role model. The least I could do for her was tell her what my take was on those issues. In a sarcastic manner, she congratulated me on my success in finding my 'calling'. I rebutted by telling her that I still had not found it but I did have some values that I live by. She obviously thinks some of it is just plain bullshit. Sill I do not consider serving my country as bullshit even if at this moment I am suffering the consequences of serving my country with pride. It did not matter if many of my countrymen take lightly about what I did and merely dismiss it as pointless preparation for something that might never happen. At least I know a few people in my life who would remember and value the sacrifice that I have made. And that all that matters. Politics and all that other crap about life aside, there are still some things worth fighting for and aspiring to. I will not settle for average and I will protect the people that matter to me. I refuse to believe that I am fighting for nothing.

b|gGeSt Fo0L |n D w0rLd...

2007-10-15T12:15:00.001+08:00

Yeah, that's me. Why? Under most circumstances any idiot in this world who be grateful enough to be in my position. Ok I do not earn a five-figure salary and I do not have all the five 'C's but I do have a stable job that is on its way to becoming a stable career. The pay is also not too bad. At least its twice of what I used to earn. Anyways, sometimes I just hate myself for always clinging to my past like my dear life. Well it just feels like they are all that I have; especially when I am lonely. Other times I would be just fine. Running on high adrenaline levels and stress while at work. Two or three times a week I would play sports just to drain away all that stress from my work. And that leaves me with that 20% of the day like commuting to and from my work and some other place or just before I go to sleep. Those are the critical times that my mind would be thinking about the 'what if's and that is where I become the biggest fool in the world for holding on to something that continues to fade with time.

Honestly my feelings for Shidah or Ida are strong but my memories of them seem to be fading. A week ago, I met Shidah in the bus again. Like I have said before, it felt like we were just aquaintences. She asked why I was limping. I told her I had a blister because I was wearing new shoes. The next thing she said threw me off. She asked why my voice seemed high pitch. High pitch?! I have been through hell that demands a person to scream and shout; now she makes that remark? Ok that aside, it was obvious she wanted us to stay firmly as friends. I have to respect her decision to put us in the past. I would never know how difficult it is for her to get over it considering how much I am struggling to forget her. Of course it hurts when she does not reciprocate. Nothing much I can do. Somehow I just need to keep telling myself to be less of an idiot and look to the future. It is the only thing that I can have control of.

NaGg|nG...

2007-10-11T16:50:00.001+08:00

While I can understand a parent's tendency to be protective of their children, I can only assume that they will continue to be so no matter how old their children are. It seems nowadays my father is the only one who is touch with the amount of space that I need. My mother on the other hand seems unable to communicate with me. That is ironic considering how often my father and I got into arguments when I was a teenager. My mother would be the mediator. Well my father does not take the role of mediator, but whatever he is doing is enough. There are instances when he would get too fed-up with my attitude and would just explode. You can call me stubborn but I know what I want and I get what I want. If I need space means I need space, if I do not like to be advised then it means just that. I am 25 years old! I am a working adult! Hell! I have been through enough shit to know that I can very well take care of myself! Before anyone out there can call me ungrateful, I do love my parents and I am indebted and grateful to them. But what I need right is plenty of space to figure out my life. They could probably be the ones who truly understand the man that I am; so I would always keep that in mind. All I need right now is peace and quiet. No one; not even my parents can intrude into the space.

Ep|pHaNy r3dUx...

2007-10-09T16:20:00.000+08:00

I invest so much effort in finding my old self that I fail to realise that I am still the same in many ways. Perhaps my new found characteristics manifests itself in very obvious ways that I forget who I was. After thinking about it for a long while, I realise although change is the constant in life, some things will never change. Staind's Epiphany will forever be the song that can truly represent the person that I am. Rain will just be water falling from the sky and I will never have any problem standing under it; no matter how cold or heavy it is. I will forever have the need to smoke in the rain. I will forever be stubborn. I will forever never give up in anything that I set out to do. Defeat is will never be an option. I will keep finding my happiness no matter how dissapointed I will get. I will always do what I think is right. No one except the Almighty; will ever truly understand the man that I am. I will never stop loving her. Someone out there please understand me. I am just too sick and tired of keeping all these things inside my head.

'u CaN't StAnD uNd3r My UmBr3LLa'...

2007-10-04T12:44:00.001+08:00

A dream restart of my relationship with Ain has ended with failure yet again. The problems are the same. One of them being the lack of communication. It is only fair to say that I had some part in its failing. Ain's timing for leaving my life was impeccable because it happened on one of my busiests workday. Maybe it was a blessing in itself that I had such a busy day. The work practically did not leave me any time to think about anything else. Still the pain was still there. I just had to ignore it for the while so that I could focus on my work.

After work was a different story, I decided to allow myself to be emotional on my way back home. It was a tearful journey home. Good Charlotte's Untitled just kept replaying itself in my mind and in my ears. I had to because sooner or later, my emotions would make itself heard. There was no use being in denial. Although I had prepared myself mentally for this outcome, in the back of my mind I know that this is attempt just added itself to list of failed relationships that I had. Ain did not want me to stand under her umbrella, which is perfectly fine with me because I am at home smoking in the rain as I always do.

All that I can take from this eventuality is the fact that now it is obvious I need to give myself a break and really take things easy. There are just too many distractions when I really need to make myself stable.

As I have said before, I will be fine...

Me3t|nG TaCkYg|rL...

2007-10-02T14:58:00.001+08:00

On my trip home on a Service 168 bus, I met Tackygirl. It was one of those surprises life seems to throw at you when you least expect it to happen. Like Murphy said: Anything that can go wrong; will go wrong; and of course with a thing called the Law of Probability, it was bound to happen one of these days. Seeing Tackygirl again was one of the things I had wished for a long time; but I felt more pain than happiness when I saw her. She did not recognise me when she climbed onto the upper deck of the bus. I was just another stranger on the bus.

Seeing her again at this critical point of my life does not do any justice to my already messed-up head. It just stirred up a lot of emotions I have been fighting to keep under control. I do not blame her for it though. She was just on her way home and she happened to be on the same bus that I was in. I am just sad just because she did not recognise me. It could that the way I look has changed enough for her not to realise it was me or she just could not be bothered to acknowledge me. That prompted me to send her an email because there was a lot things that I wanted to say to her. Her reply was unexpected but I was still happy she did. She mentioned that she had broken up with 'him' because he cannot get over the fact that I was a part of his girlfriend's life quite sometime ago. She also said that she could not quite forget me. I do not know if I want to say that I am touched or saddened by that statement. Right now all I can say is I miss her tremendously.

There is still hope that we might be together again altough that thought is being tampered by previous experience with Ida. Shidah might be a more open person than Ida but I have been through enough to know that even my strongest supporter could be disenchanted by my change in character. My parents and best friends are a case in point for that.

At this moment I am struggling to stay as objective and focussed, because I need those things when I work. I am already so distracted by so many things that it is accelerating my mental fatigue when I should be fresh after my holiday. As always whatever happens, all I can do is just be strong and patient.

a NeW b3g|nNiNg....

2007-04-19T22:35:00.000+08:00

With the signing of my job contract yesterday, I'm effectively an employee of PowerSeraya. It felt sweet thinking about how lucky I am to get this job.

The intense sense of relief was difficult to comprehend.

It's always nice to have that nice happy feeling when things turn out the way you intend it to be and this doesn't happen too often in my life. So it was hard not to feel grateful to the Almighty. This job is in the industry that I had studied in poly. Ironically I wore the very same clothes that I did for my bullshit Final-Year Project presentation, which convinced me that I would never get a job in the chemical industry. But this time the same set of clothes represented an invaluable opportunity to my path of success. Anyways it's too early to say if I like working in this industry, but at least now I'll find soon enough if I'm suited for this kind of job. Stil, this job gives me experience in both lab and on-field work. That should give me an edge if I decide not to extend my 2-year contract and find another job within the industry. Of course, the best part of it is the big bucks! I did the calculations and I get paid 3 times as much per hour than I did when I was working for Starbucks and almost twice as much per month. But there is no such thing as a free lunch so with that kind of money comes a whole lot more responsibility. Obviously, that scares me a bit, but what the hell, I haven't even started my job. Maybe I'll get a better idea on the scale of things when I start work on mon, so I don't know if I suck at this job if I haven't even try. Anyways, I don't intend to suck at this job because this is a good opportunity for me to shine or at least know how big my potential is. The last time I was given a good opportunity was when I got the course of my choice in poly and at the same I also got the school that I wanted. As some of you might know, I screwed it up big time. In a way, I'm very lucky to even get this job, considering my less than average grades. Well to be honest, I never envisioned myself working in this industry back in school. Again as some of you might know, I was confused and disillusioned by my relationship problems and my inability to focus on my schoolwork. With that I somehow accepted the fact my fate was sealed, until now of course. This past few weeks, I felt for the first time that being an adult is probably not as challenging as I thought. Maybe it still is, but maybe having a little faith in Allah, some patience, luck and dilligence does pay off in the long run. Life's so full of irony, that it drives me nuts most of the time. Still I'm still grateful that there is still always hope. I need to have more hope now that being successful is related to having a more secure future.

3 yrs after I graduated from poly, I'm back where I started, working in something I liked to do as a primary, secondary and finally a poly student: Chemistry.

mY |aSt DaY @ sTaRbUck5...

2007-04-14T19:56:00.003+08:00

The day that I have been waiting all this while has finally arrived but I find myself unable to leave Starbucks One Fullerton. The feeling was akin to what I had felt on my last day of National Service. It has to be said that my resignation was forced and indeed it was not an amicable one. Still somehow or rather I will miss the people I that had worked with, both likeable and the unlikeable ones. I now look forward to my new job with somewhat tense anxiousness...

Now I must somehow tear myself from this place.

No more Full-Time Barista; but

Chemistry and Environmental Officer.

r3c0nCiLliAt|0n...

2007-04-11T23:04:00.001+08:00

I decided to do the unthinkable yesterday as I told Ain I wanted to break up with her, but I took back my words after much discussion on our sentinements regarding the relationship. We did agree that this relationship may fail eventually or might just work if we did our best to make things work. As always things seemed to improved after our discussion, she considered it an argument but to me it was laying down the undeniable facts of our relationship.

It was difficult for her to accept it but I think she now has a new perspective on what I'm really about.

Anyways I have come to accept that no one will never truly understand me other than Allah. I'm still a little hopeful that things will continue to be better between Ain and I, although I know the relationship might fail in the end.

As they say, all good things will come to an end.

D n3xT LvL...

2007-04-09T02:43:00.001+08:00

As I count down to the next stage of my career, I try my best to mentally prepare myself for the challenges that lay ahead. Its a different ball game and the demands are greater which makes me all the more anxious. Nevertheless I'm not going to let this opportunity pass by, this time I'm going to make it count. This is probably the best break I've had in a long time. I'm going to make this a stepping stone to bigger things in life.

By the way, I passed by Yani's place while I was on my way to send one of my partners home in CCK. I can't help but feel a bit sad as I was reminded of the times I had with her and the feeling stayed till I got home. I'm glad that I have this break in my career still it makes me sad that my relationship with Ain is doomed to failure. Its not so much about the failure of our relationship', but there's a part of me that longs to have a meaningful and happy relationship so that I can have a complete life.

There's still a part of me that wants to embrace a woman so that all the loneliness will dissappear.

The last time I really felt the comfort of a woman's softness were the times I slept on Ida's lap. It was probably the most comfortable 'pillow' I slept on in my life. There was a smiling face to greet me when I woke up from my nap and a kiss to make the experience all the more memorable. Babygirl would hold back my hair to get a good look at my face with a smile and a sparkle in her eyes to remind me why I fell in love with her. I know if a woman truly loves me or not by the way she looks at me, but a gaze that searches for my true self. One that doesn't judge me and knows that behind the walls that I built is just me, no frills. Ain did that quite sometime ago but she failed to do so recently. I don't think she will ever do.

I know its a matter of time before I find someone else or somehow my relationship with Ain takes a turn for the better. For now I acknowledge that I'm lonely, but my focus remains to my career. I shall put aside the aspects of my life that does not need my attention at the moment. As I always say to myself sometimes when I'm frustrated: Patience is an overrated virtue that is running thin within me. Hope is too extravagant for me to invest my emotional effort in. To be honest, I hate myself sometimes for deciding to 'walk away' from them. Maybe if I did things differently I'd be a happier person. I can only look to the future and somehow or rather I need to be patient.

B|o0d, 5w3aT & t3aRs...

2007-04-05T21:49:00.000+08:00

What happened to me today can probably rival to the elation I felt when I passed my reassessment in Taiwan. I always considered my chances of getting a job in the chemical industry to be fair at best or even zilch, but it appears the Almighty Allah decided I needed to be given a fighting chance at a brighter future. Oh yeah, I was offered a job by Power Seraya and to be honest I never expected to the one shortlisted for this job. Let's face it, my grade sucks big time.

Then again I don't care how I got it, I'm just happy I got it.

It feels good to know that I have a bit of luck after spending close to 3 months trying to get a new job. It became frustrating when Starbucks decided I was a pain in their ass. All things said and done I still find it hard to believe it. I really hope I'm not dreaming; but the sense of relieve its just unbeatable. I almost want to cry just like the time when I reached the end point of Exercise Warrior. 9 days of hell and the constant doubt of ever making the cut to be a 3SG. Now the uncertainty has given way to a fighting chance. I just needed a break, thats all and this looks like the best break I had in months. Not exactly blood, sweat and tears like in Taiwan but finally something to be happy about. After the frustration of my personal n professional life; it's good to know that life can be good to you sometimes. Thank you Almighty Allah! Alhamdullilah!

pAn|c AtTaCk...

2007-04-02T23:08:00.002+08:00

I had another argument with my girlfriend yesterday. Some of her school mates told her that I bad mouthed her on my blog, which was in a way true. But certainly not outrightly, its just any outlet for me to get things off my chest. I never meant to humilliate her in any way. Anyways I did apologize to her and as always she's too pissed at me. By the way before all this mess happened, she called me yesterday while I was enjoying a smoke at a playground near my block. The question of her love towards me has been bugging my mind for a while; so I had to ask her if she loved me. That maybe led to the argument. I can never understand anyone who moves on with their life so easily. I mean how can someone reel from a failed relationship so quickly and move on to another love interest? Maybe some of us are blessed with very secure emotional states, it just bothers me that some people can say I love you just like that. I mean those 3 words are more than just words that make a sentence; but it is actually a promise in itself. It's a commitment to make a relationship work; for e.g. when a parent tells their child that he/she loves him/her, the parent actually means it right?! Good parents mean it right?! And they love their child unconditionally like the way their child loves his/her parent. I know my love for my girlfren may not be as pure as that; but I know for certain that I'm sincere in what I say. I am commited to make any relationship I get in to work. Anyways, later that evening I was feeling down from the argument, in fact I had a bad gut feeling that I always have when my girlfriend wants to break up with me. I don't know how things went from bad to worse for me in terms of my emotional state. I turned on Staind's Epiphany to play over and over again. I tried to sleep and that was when I started crying. I decided to get up from my sleeping position and that was when I stared at my SBO. The symbol of my strength in solidarity. I put it on and sat down.

My brain in the mean time was turning to mush as for the first time in my life my subconscious was literally making itself heard...

Usually when I want to focus on other things in life I tell my self "that's enough sergeant/soldier" but this time I said it out loud to myself as I sobbed uncontrollably...

It was obvious to me at that time I was decending to my Panic Attack. I didn't have the luxury of my muscle relaxants, so I tried my best to calm myself down. My subconcious confronted me on things that I never got over. I thought maybe this time I had blown too many fuses and I was finally destined for a mental institution. Alas somehow my crying became more controllable, I managed to compose myself to a certain extent that i took off my SBO, so that time I knew i need to smoke to further calm myself down. Usually when I smoke in my room, I open my window grills, since I live on the 7th floor I liked to look down to the ground floor car park and I said to myself I'm won't sink to such a level so as to kill myself. I just needed to compose myself and I'll be fine. Maybe if I wasnt determined enough Í would have leapt off my bedroom window, but i'll never do that because I know there are better ways to help myself. Eventually I did calm myself down enough to get some sleep because I had to work the next day, thankfully. But I still wasnt out of the woods', as I forced myself to sleep I kept telling myself to calm down. I even uttered a few verses from the koran. It did work wonders as I eventually i did doze off. More thankfully I didn't overslept. At the end of that mess I had less than 2 hours worth of sleep. From midnight till almost 3, I cried and talked and confronted myself till I almost lost it. It may be no small miracle I managed to focus on my work today and best thing about it. I have an interview tommorrow. Sometimes you wonder why is this guy trying to be superman? Because I need to and I want to. I lost too much time focusing on intangile and uncontrollable factors in my life while my career and future becomes more uncertain by the day. Its time to step up to the plate...

|d3aL pArTn3r...

2007-03-23T15:19:00.000+08:00

I drew up a list of characteristics my ideal partner should have. I realised something bout my girlfriend, ex -girlfriends and the girls I dated: most of them failed to measure up against the list. While most would say they understand what I needed in a partner, they don't live up to their words. Their words are merely empty promises. Few of them that did live up to their words, while they were with me are the ones that linger in my memory and the rest fade into history. Yeah, it sounds selfish; but it's hard to admit that I haven't yet found the one.

Today I realise that I had enough of it; all this bullshit. It's affecting my mental state and it will affect the focus I need to have to further my career. At 25, I don't have much time and it's time to step up to the plate. It's time to be 'Superman' in terms of my career. For once, I want to drive myself to the ground working my ass off to earn a decent living. I want to focus my energy over things that I have control over like my career and more importantly, my state of mind.

I don't want to drive myself to the ground worrying about intagible things that I may never have control over; like the way my girlfriend feels towards me or any other girl for that matter. While some aspects of my character needs to be improved, there are things about me that need not be changed.

I like it just the way it is: Aggressive, Determined, Single-Minded.

The 'old' sensitive self that I lost in the jungles may never be found and I think I don't ever want to find him.

"its time to step up to the plate" - fred durst

Ep|pHanY...

2007-03-23T14:09:00.002+08:00

A partner told me yesterday that I sound like I was mentally tired. Well, can't blame her for haivng that impression. Indeed, I was raving and talking to myself. I explained to her that when you're an adult there is no such thing as taking a break. Hence, doing something mildly crazy, i.e. talking to yourself, is a good way to release all that tension. Well its just a way for me to blow some steam after all the mess that's happening at my workplace. I also learned yesterday that my district manager has been circulating around that I demanded a promotion and a pay of $1800, on par to what I would get if I was working in the chemical industry.

That definitely blew plenty of fuses in my head.

Its bad enough that I was forced to resign, now they have to taint my name. Maybe like many things the army has taught me, pride and honour probably doesn't have any place in the civilian world. I think I had enough of this shit. I have to start to move on. Anyways, I'm feeling something I havent felt in a long time. The effects of an emotional crisis. When my chest feels tired, my heart seems to be unable to be calm and I can't stop crying; almost without a doubt I am in an emotional crisis. Probably one of these days I'll be pacing around like someone who's worried sick bout something and that's panic attack. What I need now is plenty of rest, and focus my thoughts on something more productive, otherwise I need to resort to the relaxants I once took to tackle my unbalanced state of mind. I think I also need to seek counselling again. Thats right people, this super soldier is not as super as you might think.

b|g MeSs...

2007-03-21T06:35:00.000+08:00

I caused quite a stir at my workplace earlier when I decided to take an MC today. Indeed, there was no one to replace me. Anyways I didn't particularly care, to be brutally honesty. Well not after I was forced to resign. And I was a little unhappy with one of my shift managers for probably telling my store manager about my intentions for not turning up for work. It's either him or someone else told her bout it. I don't blame him, it's still his job but it was obvious that it was him. I still consider him a good friend because he's trying to find me another job.

By the way, the stupid ass lackey of my store manager called me earlier while I was on my way to the clinic. She confronted me on my intentions for being MIA after obviously being briefed earlier by someone. She even dared told me that my performance wasn't good enough for her to fight for me. What a load of BULLSHIT!? Damn hell I'm one of the best partners in my store! Still, my beliefs still stand:

You do not screw your best soldier, ever, especially if he's one of your best.

There is no doubt I'm not happy with her or her boss, my district manager.

There is gonna be a measure of payback.

Tommorrow, there is going to be plenty of people who would be pissed off at me. Hate me all you want because I don't care. I can't be superman all the time, always doing the right thing. There are some days when I need to be human, and be selfish. Like my girlfriend and ex-girlfriends had said before,

I'm selfish and heartless.

There's something I love to do: proving people wrong. If people are going to take it for granted that I will always do the right thing, they are sadly going to be proven wrong. In a place where I did give my heart and soul, it's time to show I'm capable of doing the exact opposite. The severity of what I do would all depend on my mood.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Remember that.

Pa|nT iT bLaCk...

2007-03-18T16:29:00.000+08:00

I finally found the sound track that accompanied the opening titles of an old drama series about the Vietnam War, Tour of Duty.

'Paint It Black' was sung by the Rolling Stones. I also watched a few of the clips at Youtube. It reminded it of the first time I watched it when I was younger. I used to wonder why the Vietnam War was such a messy affair. Now I know why.

It's been a few days after I was asked to resigned from my job. The shock and dissapointment of it has apparently worn off. One of my shift manager friends recommended that I asked to be transferred to another store since I was still technically an employee since I haven't officially submitted my resignation letter. After thinking over it, I thought it was time to move on. Anyways my pride wouldn't allow me to go to such a level to ask another store manager to take me in. Maybe it doesnt sound as pathetic as I had thought, but. I know my destiny lies somewhere else. In a negative way, things are going as planned and just maybe my forced resignation just expedited things.

Just like starbucks, my next job is might be full of bullshit and crap once I learn of the dumb policies and the stupid decisions the upper management makes. Such a waste to see an excellent company run by

'Know-It-All' Lesbians.

No offense, ladies. Got nothing againts you gals. Just the dumb ass upper management. Whatever their sexual inclinations may be, they should be running the company better with all the paper qualifications and suppossed

'Front-Line Experience'.

Whether in the military or civilian world, I never ever liked upper management. they are always making decisions at the expense of the people at the front-lines. People like my friends and I. If they think, they are so qualified, why not run a store for a whole day and see what crap we have to put up with the customers. Well no job is perfect. Anyways a secure financial future is my top priority.

Just bite the bullet and carry on...

1-mTh NoT|c3

2007-03-15T16:43:00.000+08:00

Today my store manager requested that I submit my 1-month notice. To put it in a blunt way, I was sacked.

That was after a long conversation with my district manager,
a Know-It-All Lesbian.

Oh yeah, she is but that's besides the point. But coming from a person who spends much of her time in her office doing God-Knows-What. I can't believe that she would recommend to my store manager that I be sacked. If I was a partner (thats what starbucks calls their employees), that was basically useless, I wouldn't make such a big deal about it. Egoistic as it may sound, I'm the best partner in the store. Not 1 but at least 4 other managers, shitft or store, have said I was good at my job. Even my store manager said it herself. Now 4 people can't be wrong. Even the Devil herself said it. If I didn't exceed expectations too often, I at least did what was the bare minimum. The fact that the store has been performing quite well and it's still standing goes to show that I did take ownership of the store. Whatever it is, a few friends of mine have said that I shouldn't have been too open about my future career plans. A grave mistake perhaps. So I don't intend to dwell on this. The future lies ahead of me. The opportunities are there to be grabbed.

By the way, I love to prove people wrong. In fact I relish it. If before this I showed how dependable I was, now,
it's time to show how unreliable I can be.

My staff sergeant once told me before that the army was a forgiving place, and civilian life can actually be more cut-throat. I thought what he said was crap. While I enlisted, the army seemed to be eager to keep me within the fences of its camp and do endless guard duties. Now I know he wasn't exaggerating. My immediate superiors in the army would never do this to me. NEVER. Whether subordinates or superiors, we were all brothers. I'm certainly dissapointed by her decision and she seemed all business about it.

"Let's move on." she says.

All things said and done, I doubt I'll ever look at Starbucks the same way ever again. Eventhough I'm not in the Army anymore, I still feel I'm a part of it; but I don't think I'll ever feel any attachment towards starbucks. Like the saying goes, 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' but this time:

'Hell hath no fury like Najib's Wrath'...

| rEaD...

2007-03-13T13:50:00.000+08:00

I read books about the Vietnam War in a desperate if not pathetic attempt to 'relive' my times in NS. Yeah, I know I have mentioned about this many times before but this blog entry is probably gives the full extent of my motives, inspirations and aspirations at this time of my life. My preference for books on the Vietnam War stems for my need to read something that is real, not some fictional fantasy, murder mysteries or techo-thrillers that I once loved to read. Nowadays I read just about anything bout the war, though my preference still lies in the autobiographies of the soldiers who were on the ground. I can truly identify with those books. Although I personally never been to war, perhaps I can draw similarities in the experiences the soldiers went through. Like me, they were thrown out of their comfort zone to be turned into soldiers. In the process, they lost a part of themselves, a part of their humanity and that was what happened to me.

It has been more than half a year since I was declared 'Operationally-Ready' by the army. I was finally allowed to resume my civilian life that I dreamt of while I was still in the army. Coming back to the civilian world wasn't all that it was hyped to be. Not having to live by the rigid hierachy and strictness were big plusses. After six months, the plusses seemed to be that only. The best thing or worst thing about it, depending on how you see it was the fact that I keep forgetting that I'm dealing with civilians when I'm at work. I usually end up being too bossy, blunt and strict during work.

A girl who I was taking out for a date told me yesterday to look at myself in the mirror, because I still don't believe I look like a 'Mat Rip'. She told me to look at myself like a stranger would at me and decide if indeed I did look like one. I did wat she told me and I see me, just Najib. I didn't see any stereotype in me, because I am what I am. I just couldn't see the 'Mat Rip' in me. That was when I decided to my army camo uniforms, helmet, webbing and even my camo paint. After completing the transformation, it just felt like old times again. I actually felt I was in my own skin. I loved the way I look. That was when I realise that the civilian clothes that I wear are just a 'mask' or a 'shell'.

Deep inside I was always a soldier.

The reflection of myself that I see in the mirror or any reflective surfaces is a soldier, not a person in the clothes that I'm wearing. A regular customer back at my starbucks store told me that my unsuccessful application to be a regular might be due to my chain smoking.

I told him that a soldier will always be a soldier. We are Chain-Smokers.

Perhaps 2 years in the army have indoctrinate me if not brainwashed me to forget I was ever a civilian. Like the soldiers in the Vietnam War, I smoke like hell, actually like drinking and have a sexual desire that's almost animal sometimes. Well at least it felt that way when I was stuck in the jungles.

With that rejection letter I got from the army, the 6 year old that was always inside me quite sometime ago may forever be lost in the jungles of Tekong.

Perhaps that part of me is forever lost and may never be found again, like the soldiers in Vietnam who lost their humanity. Still maybe that part of me is inside myself just waiting to be found. What you may see now is Najib the barista; but he's actually 3SG Najib, at least until he finds that 6 year old that was lost in the jungles.

'Soldiers never die, They just fade away' - Gen Douglas McArthur

HaPp|n3s5..

2007-03-09T15:11:00.000+08:00

I often wonder why disabled people (no-offense), seem to be so much happier than abled-bodied people like us, like me. These people may be physically or mentally challenged, yet they are so damn happy or at least they seem to be...It touches me that they appeciate the simple things in life and filter out the things in life that make it so frustratingly complicated. I almost envy them. Sometimes I wish life would be more black and white, more simpler. A life where I don't always have to fight the bitterness that comes with frustration. The challenges of adult life often makes me angry, when much of my time is spent earning that all important rice-bowl. It is made more difficult when people that matter so much to me seem to fail to understand the motives behind my decisions. Everyday of my life, I always think of the 'what-if's...

'What if I did put in more effort during my days in polytechnic?'

'What if I didn't leave her in the first place?'

'Why didn't I have more self-believe in the first place?'

Why this and why that. What if this and what if that...Its just so damn complicated...

Quite a while I was so grateful to Allah for giving me a new lease on life when He rid me of the damn growth in my neck...Nowadays I sometimes wish I wasn't 'cured', considering the monumental challenges I face daily. Those challenges are not tangible but intangible; because they are the battles I fight in my heart and in my mind...

n0 h3aRt...

2007-03-08T07:39:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, during an argument with my girlfriend.

She told me that I had no heart because I only thought of myself.

She also said how can I blame Allah for all that has happened to me when I myself do not pray. By the way I was mad at her that day for not telling me she had no money to go home. She had only $15 to spend for the next 2 weeks. That amount is barely enough to sustain her transport needs, how can her mom expect it to sustain her daughter's need for food. What actually pissed me off was her inaction, more importantly her mom's inaction. I mean how can she just give my girlfriend $15? I think the woman knows well enough that is hardly adequate. I told my girlfriend in my fit of rage:

Does your mum expect you to fly to school?

If I was her shoes, I would certainly demand for more money; at least have extra money to cover my need to eat and get around especially to school. I don't care if my parents doesn't have the money. If you decide to have children, make sure you have the means to raise them adequately! Sometimes I feel like beating some sense in her mom so she would leave that useless abusive husband. I certainly would beat the crap out of him. I definitely wouldn't care if he was 3 times my size. Oh yeah, like Ida, Shidah, Yani and now Ain had said:

I don't have a heart and I have a heck care attitude.

Oh yeah, waiting for someone for more than 2 years only for them to leave you again shows that I don't have heart.

I GIVE MY HEART TO ANYTHING I DO, OK!

Never mind, carry on, sergeant! yes, SIR!...Stupid Ass Bitches...I hate you all sometimes...

cHaS|nG CaRs...

2007-02-15T17:01:00.000+08:00

Just like Snow Patrol's song: Chasing Cars... I found myself sobbing during my break at work earlier...It took me a while to get out of this denial that I have much work to do to forgive myself...And get on with my life...My relationship with my girlfriend suffered as a result...Not only because I can't get over my ex-girlfriends but mainly due to my 'Heck-Care' attitude. Maybe what Yani had said was right. I couldn't even give a damn bout my religious obligations...Or my health...I smoke way too much nowadays... yesterday, my girlfriend decided that she didn't love me anymore...

I guess I was numb to the pain but I was still human; hardened sergeant or not.

The situation seemed awfully familiar to what I went a few times before; but this time it was fortunate that my girlfriend was willing to give it a chance...Indeed it was one of those rare moments where she seemed more mature than she usually is. Sometimes I feel I just have to accept the fact that I will always be alone and no one will truly understand the man that I am. My stint in the army only served to make my character all the more complicated and that doesnt help things. The journey starts with me. If i will never find myself ever again, perhaps I should understand the person I am now and just look to the future... Those 3 Words I Said Too Much...

But Not Enough...
If I lay here, if I just lay here..
Would You Lie With Me And Just Forget The World?
Forget What We're Told Before We Get Too Old...
Show Me Your Garden That's Bursting Into Life...
Lets Waste Time...
Chasing Cars Around Our Heads...

sMoK|nG...

2007-02-15T16:46:00.000+08:00

When it comes to smoking that all important ciggarette...I do it 2 ways...Inhaling all those cancerous noxious fumes with a hiss (to the annoyance of some people I know) and exhaling it through my nose or mouth...If it's through my nose, it could only mean one thing...I'm looking to calm myself down, big time...If its through my mouth, I'm just looking to blow some steam from my head...By the way, to anyone who did bother to read my blog, I don't give a damn about what you think bout it...lame or otherwise...this blog is just an outlet for me to get things off my chest...

You wonder if I might be some kind of a war-junkie...

That's a firm yes; because I 'lost' myself in the jungles...Maybe I'll find myself again amidst the trees of an anonymous patch of jungle...Less you have been through the army or maybe any form of tough outdoor training, I bet you don't have any idea what it feels like sleeping under a typhoon in Taiwan...or running in 40 degree heat of Thailand with all that heavy equipment...Most importantly you are not Najib Bin Zakaria or even remotely my long lost twin brother or sister...So keep your opinions to yourself...Anyways, maybe you live a good life and know who you are. Well, good for you...really. I wish I was as fortunate as you. I'm glad you are not in my position because I can tell you one thing is for sure: it would take one heck of an effort to lift yourself from being an emotional basket case. Right now in my life,

I still know myself as 3SG Najib, Infantry Specialist, not Najib, the poly grad...

That guy died a long time ago...

He's lost somewhere in the proverbial jungle and I need to find him now...

d Gr3eN b3rEt5...

2007-02-07T17:40:00.000+08:00

I just attended my army interview just now...yeah, I did the unthinkable... I'm seriously considering becoming a regular...just as I've said it before...I miss it too much to ignore..Still, if I wasn't offered the contract...Its no lost...I have to admit this would a big leap of faith for me...

The interview was brief, quite expectedly...the officer reconfirmed with me if I did went thru ASLC twice as he looked closely at the stack of papers that went with my application forms...No doubt they are high clearance...Nothing new there...I had to sign Non-Disclosure Agreements before I ORD. He also asked me bout my appointment during my NSF time, Trg Spec, again a high clearance appointment especially for someone like 'me'...Can't go any further into that...Anyways, I asked him if I could be offered the short-term contract...he plainly said no...so its PP1 for me minus 2 yrs of my NSF liability...so 8 yrs if I do sign on the dotted line...After selling my services to 'Uncle Lee'...I could land as a SISPEC Instructor, go through Plt Sgt Course or become an Active Unit Sect Comd or MG Comd...Hell yeah!

Army here we go...

fAc|nG s0m3 fAcTs...

2007-01-14T18:56:00.000+08:00

Lets just face this fact...

I miss the army...

I do not know why...OK, to put it in a more accurate way, I just can't get things about the army out of my head...I can't certainly deny it made me who I am right now...Desperate as it may sound, I'm waiting for the army recruiters to call me back for an interview...or at least a call-up for reservist...

I'm just about ready to give an arm and a leg...anything...to walk in the jungles with my rifle once again...

b3c0m|nG tRuLy l0sT...

2006-12-20T16:48:00.001+08:00

I'm truly lost.

Totally numb and empty inside.

The problem stems from the fact that I've been neglecting my religious obligations, i.e. performing my mandatory daily prayers. It's also due to the fact that I basically have no objectives in life at the moment. My counselor always reminded to have a goal to "anchor" myself. The realisation that I'm nothing like the person I was back many years ago doesn't help. I have become the very thing I hated when I was a 'civilian': A Rigid, No-Nonsese Guy. Not that is anything bad. Mental toughness and a steely determination are great tools in this challenging world. I used to dread the unknown and problems. Now, my attitude towards challenges is just bring em' on. The difference now is that I need to learn to pace myself. Living my adult life on a daily basis can be a mentally-draining experience, not to mention a health hazard. I expect myself to shut-down one of these days, if not explode. Anyways, I just realized today; although it's a little hard to believe, that I'm almost acting. Acting because I don't really know who I am now. I'm certainly not the polytechnic student that I was; but the way I am now; it doesn't feel like Najib. Even though I'm effectively a conscript, my actions, behavior and character just screams 3SG Najib. When faced with ill-disciplined (or even lack of seriousness) by my colleagues, even my girlfriend, or just about anyone; I'll automatically think of knocking them down with push-ups or at the very least throw a sarcastic remark. I can't really remember when I last said this; but somewhere, somehow, in the jungles of Tekong, Thailand and Taiwan. The Old Najib is gone for good. In some ways, I want him back, but in some ways I don't. But I am this sure, I can't find him within me. My application to become an Army Regular is probably a sign of desperation. Perhaps when I walk through the jungles once again, I will find him again. Maybe I'll remember why I was so lonely all this while. Maybe I'll remember why I was waiting for her to come back to me or just know what the hell is missing in my life.

L|mP|nG tHrU L|f3...

2006-11-20T09:05:00.001+08:00

Quite a while ago the movie 'Family Man' made me think of what if I did things differently back when I was in poly...the intense sense of regret that came from that realization was hard to overcome...I think most of us wish that we can go back in time and change something bout our pasts like in 'Butterfly Effect', but in the movie the change brought about a detrimental effect. Still, would it have the same effect in real life? I always knew fate was never in our hands. It's always in the hands of the Almighty...

My adult life is so challenging that sometimes I wonder if I ever did recover from any of the big mistakes that I had made...Most of the time I think I did but occasionally that belief is being seriously questioned. I would like to think that I face life with the determination and the never say die attitude of a soldier...but every now and then it feels more like I'm limping thru life with only the determination that drives me to ensure I don't disintergrate along the way...Life is a constant struggle...I can never forget that...no matter how frustrated I am...

Raz'al Gul said in 'Batman Begins' that Gotham City is a city that has been limping since two of its most celebrated people were murdered; leaving their son orphaned. When I heard that statement the first time I watched the movie, I can't help but feel that I'm also limping through life after making one of the biggest mistakes. A mistake compounded by the fact that I didn't make the best of whats left of my school life...

*sigh*

Maybe I just need to take a break from the demands of life. the very same movie made me realise that fear is as tangible as I make it out to be. What I fear most in life is being alone. My time in the army has somehow taught me to embrace it; although the prospect of having to face life alone still frightens me.

But it seems nowadays facing an uncertain future seems to scare me even more...