farewell to a good man...

I guess it is right to say that we have all been stepping out of our comfort zone the second we left our mother's womb. Seeing my uncle on his death bed a few days ago reminded me that I will be making another step out of my comfort zone. The thought that it could be my father someday frightens me very much. While I have issues with my parents, I cannot deny that they are a stabilizing influence in my life. The base that I depend on as I take my turn to step into the real world. But now I have to accept the fact that someday they will not be around to give me guidance. I might be on the steps of the age of 30, however I still feel that I am naive to what the world holds. My uncle's passing last Saturday makes him my second uncle to succumb to cancer in less than three years. It is ironic that he represented my parents on my Engagement Day as he led my family's party to my fiance's home. At the time he looked healthy and I did not know he was ill recently until my dad informed that he was hospitalized around last week.
By the time I saw him in ICU last Friday, my uncle was already in a bad state. My cousins and their husbands were understandably sad, their eyes already swollen after crying so much. My cousin explained to me about her father's condition calmly but I know she is struggling inside. The doctor had said that there was not much hope him as his cancer was already at an advanced stage. My aunt also looked calm but she soon broke into tears when she stood beside her dying husband's bed after we broke fast. The relative silence of the ward and seeing my uncle dying also moved me to tears eventually as I looked at him through the glass door of his room. I decided to recite a doa for him when I stood beside his bed. It is sad to see a dying person especially if he is your flesh and blood. My uncle had been close to my family as my late grandmother took him in as a step son, so my mum considers him to be her younger brother. I like my uncle because of his easy going character and a good father to his children, all of whom are happily married. But at the end of it, the question of whether I am able to face the situation if it was my own father on the deathbed remains to be answered. It is a frightening thought because it truly means I have to face the world on my own. My wedding day will surely miss his presence. We will miss you, Wak Noor.

the myth of ubersoldat...

I had been struggling for quite sometime on how I am going to write to this entry. In one of my favorite movies, We Were Soldiers, a character named Jake Galloway said "I don't know how to write this story" He could not have said it any better because I know how he feels. I believe I have wrote about how I came up with the name "ubersoldat" in an earlier blog entry, but that is only part of the story. In fact it is just a small fraction of it. While my inner circle of close friends and fiance have managed to figure out the enigma that is their best friend and future husband, I am indeed a complex character that I am myself struggling to find out who I truly am. Certainly the Army can have all the credit for creating the man that is writing this blog.
Since I have stepped into the unforgiving world of adulthood, I have had to deal with one challenge after another. It has become a sort of saga like the ones you see on a TV series. Earlier in my adulthood, when all seems to be too overwhelming, I can just cry it off. Afterward, I would carry on with my life. When I learned that alcohol and smoking can provide a better moment of respite, I resorted to it. That of course grew old and now I have my fiance to give me the emotional support that I need, although I still smoke heavily. Unfortunately crying just does not help anymore. Maybe when I watch a movie that I can relate to, I cry because I know how the movie character feels. More often than not he is a soldier or a hero.
There is a reason why am I writing all these blogs. It is because it is my outlet to express my thoughts and feelings. A few months ago, while researching on Wikipedia about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I came across a paper written by a psychiatrist about Post Traumatic Embitterment Disorder (PTED). I always thought I had trouble adjusting to civilian life because I have PTSD. But suddenly I realized that I might have PTED because the effects described by the study was similar to what I am experiencing. Maybe I am just jumping onto conclusion but I am really feeling depressed at the moment. Being engaged and preparing for marriage has caused some old family wounds to open and with it the Pandora's box itself. My strained relationship with my parents and elder sister has forced me to rethink about myself. More importantly, the myth of ubersoldat. The challenges I face at work also serves to add to the stress I am feeling at the moment. As I am writing this blog, I am waiting for myself to cry because I really cannot take it anymore. I am just too damn tired of trying to revert back to the fighting spirit that the Army has trained into me. All the stress I have faced since leaving the Army could never be cast aside by just using the never say die attitude that I bring back.
The problems I have faced have just made me more bitter, thinning any faith I have in this world and the people. The Camelot that I thought the civilian world was when I became ORD was nothing more than a cutthroat place. Five years into being a civilian and I have yet to meet an exemplary leader that I met a plenty in the Army. I utterly have no respect for the superiors I work with at the moment. They are merely idiots who just make my blood boil. My countrymen regard my service to the nation as nothing as I struggle to revert to being a civilian once again. Their ungratefulness just makes me wish I had deserted. The basic unit of society that is the family is to me just a broken family who looks like its fine. I would have to accept the fate of being a bachelor until I die if I had not met Farhanah, as none of the women that once mattered to me want me to be a part of their future. In fact one of them had the honor of undoing the hard work I had put in to overcome my emotional crisis. The stubbornness and fighting spirit that allows me to grind on with life is reaching it zenith. So really why am I so bitter? Maybe I am crazy. Is that why I created the myth of ubersoldat? Could it be I will forever see myself as a soldier? Maybe the idea or vision of ubersoldat that I have created for myself is nothing but a myth and at the end of the day I am Najib, nothing more, nothing less.

My Engagement...

For once the team I supported in the world cup finals won, even if it is not my beloved Italy. At least I could taste the feeling of victory. Once in a while it is nice to scream at the top of my lungs to cheer a winning goal and the eventual match win. When I saw the tears of joy on the Spanish players, I knew how they felt. I am quite sure the journey they took is playing through their minds as they realize that the blood, sweat and tears finally paid off. I felt that too when I was rehearsing for my ASLC graduation a few years ago. For me it was literally blood, sweat, tears and agony, as only Allah knows the hell I went through.

When I was younger I always imagined the day I got married, from saying my matrimonial vows as I shook the Tok Kadi's hand and eventually to kissing my new bride's forehead to make the occasion unforgettable. Of course, my life did not turn out the way I thought I would but when I got engaged on the fifth of June; I realized I had taken a big step into the next phase in my life. My fiance had earlier remarked about my lack of enthusiasm. What she did not know was, I already felt like my life has started to follow the path that I wanted when I met her two years ago. All things considered, finding one's life partner is not as simple as looking for a girlfriend. That is because you will realize that everything is falling into place only when you finally find that someone. Before I met my fiance, I realize how daunting the task was to find my ideal partner because I firmly believed that it was up to the Almighty to determine our jodoh. And I was very worried that he would make me wait and indeed He did because I did at one point decide to let my parents match-make. Thankfully, I did not end up with the girl that my parents wanted me to match-make with. She was a nice girl but too nice for someone like me, which made me wonder if my parents are oblivious to some of the things I did.

Before Farhanah came into my life, I really did wanted to resign myself to the fact that I was still way off from finding my future wife. But she did prove to me that there is something good to hope for in life. Indeed she was crucial to me to when I lost my job a year ago, for without her I would have fallen into despair. On that note, I learn the value of support that our significant other lent. It was invaluable and vital as I continue to integrate myself into civilian life. I know it is five years on since I left the army but the journey continues. Sometimes I wonder what it would be life be without my fiance. Her calming influence, unwavering support and undying love are probably the things in life which I cannot live without nowadays. I am so happy that she is in my life and always grateful to Allah for letting me meet her. I am so happy that it is a quiet joy that resonates the sense of gratefulness in my heart. I could never and would never ask for someone better than her because she is truly someone I want to spent my life with. Happy Engagement Day, Sayang! I'm sorry I took so long to type these words.

the outsider...

We all seek to find out how we become the person that we are probably from the time we are able to think for ourselves. That is when we find out that we are uniquely different individuals even though we share the same things like our family name, religion or race. Personally I have been on that journey since I realize that I have always been the 'outsider' in practically every situation I have been in. Again I would like to say that I am glad that I have Farhanah in my life because our relationship is perhaps the only situation in my life where I do not feel like I am an 'outsider'. We need each other and know each other very well, hence I do not feel like a loner. Although I have always maintained my rhetoric over not caring about being a part of a team, group, or clique, it does bother me when I am not a part of a group. I have been quietly keeping to myself about not feeling like a part of my family. My girlfriend's request to see one of my baby photos made me realized that I am probably an afterthought in my family, I believe that is so because I was born seven years after my sister. I am not blind to the fact that much love has been showered upon my sister and together with that she is burdened with high expectations. In spite of the fact that I did score better for my GCE 'O' levels, she did much better in primary school and secondary school. She had a better GPA in Polytechnic and even got a Degree, so she claimed. But the feeling that I am an afterthought is reinforced when I do not see my growth as a baby being documented with photos like what my parents did for my sister. In addition, the number of family or baby photos that I had were pale in comparison to her's. Even nowadays when the dispute over giving my parents money is brought forward, my father would reason to me that she already has a family, so it is quite alright if she did not give them any money. Of course people who know me well enough would expect that I think that is just a plain load of crap. I am grateful to my parents for imbuing me with a strong set of values but somehow I feel like I have been short changed by them because considering their age and state of health, I am the one who has to take care of them. While I understand I am the man in the family after my father, I believe it is a shared responsibility to take care of my parents. I really appreciate if she would take it a little more seriously. So I guess if its difficult for me to feel like I am a part of my OWN family, it might translate to difficulty being part of other groups. Honestly, I do not feel any true closeness to my parents like I did with the family that used to take care of me when I was a toddler. I consider them my god-family, Pak Yusof, his wife, Mak Minah and their children, Abang Mohsin and Kak Shidah. I really miss them and I felt really sad when my god-mother died when I was in secondary school. Sometimes I wonder if my fear of abandonment was because I lost her. Maybe I am being emotional because I am struggling to lead my life as an adult. While things have turned out for the better in my life, sometimes I wish I do not have these issues within myself to struggle with.

the answers...

In the past few months, my girlfriend and I had got into some arguments that basically revolved around my temperament and how we would fit into each others' lives when we eventually tied the knot. The arguments sometime got bitter but somehow we managed to reconcile because we could to look beyond our personal pride and egos, and focus on what was most important, our relationship. Usually it is my girlfriend that manages to defuse herself before I do. I have to give her credit for that because none of my ex-girlfriends would do that. An senior acquaintance once told me that he was more worried about what would become of me, when I told him about my girlfriend. What he was referring to was my character and the emotional baggage that I was carrying. Although he did not explicitly mentioned them, I already knew what he was talking about. However, some my best friends think that his opinion does not have any merit due to the simple fact that he hardly knows me. Still it did made me reflect on my character. I honestly believe that horoscopes are just pure coincidence, thus cannot explain the character of a person just because he/she is born at a certain time of year. Essentially everyone is unique and different. Even if I display the characteristics of 'libran'; I am still a unique entity. That means I am still some distance away from truly finding out who I am. What I do know about myself is that I am always in search of answers. Reasons and justifications behind every rule or decision. Today I realized that people will give you an answer most of the time if asked but ultimately it is for you to decide if you can accept what you are told. My best friends and girlfriend had been upfront about why they do not understand me. Their answer was simply that there were not there when I was sent halfway to hell by the Army. I took a long time to accept such an answer but ultimately I did find some peace when I tried to put myself in their shoes. Indeed I am a complex person with simple needs. A person who will continue to seek the truth until he is fully satisfied with the answers. A person who wishes that the world was a more perfect place. A person who wishes that he had a true leader that was alive to emulate. A person who is afraid that he will fail the people he cares for the most and ultimately his own self. A person who is afraid that he will fail Allah and the only leader that he truly respects, Muhammad. You know sometimes I wish I was simple as one of my best friends, Tarmizi. I admire his simplicity of character and that brings strength to his being. However, at the end of the day, I am still Najib.